A Broken Nihilist.

AsianAdventures - take two

2011-10-10T20:45:00.000+01:00

I am not sure if I've told the beginning of this story already, so I'll start there before I move on.

It's three days into my new job at Lux. I'm on my way to work reading a Paulo Coelho book and daydreaming about travelling. I regain focus and turn the page. The title reads 'advice for travellers'.

'Gosh,' I say. 'It must be a sign.'

I get into work and am called into the other room by my editor. He asks me what I'm doing at the end of September and if I'd like to go to Hong Kong...

I'm sure I don't need to tell you how the conversation ended.

So having returned from my AsianAdventures I feel I should share some of my stories. Especially as I don't think I ever got round to writing about my AsianAdventures - take one.

My first press trip. It's like my first book or my first computer – something magical and life changing.

It's now been a week since my awesome week in Asia. When we arrived at the (beautiful) Hotel Icon we all unpacked and did our own thing until the evening. My own thing consisted of a Thai massage in the spa and a quick exploration of the local area.

This was my first time in a five star hotel and my first time in a spa. Both are things I would recommend.

Later that evening we went for dinner, where the Megaman MD insisted on getting everybody very drunk. I successfully avoided such a conclusion, but not drinking any of the shots and instead handing them over to somebody else.

Ha, rule one of journalism: Never be drunker than the people you're talking to.

There was drunkeness and dancing and new friends to be made. I set the tone for the rest of my week by making a few new friends on day one.

The factory we went to visit was in China, which meant my first ChinaTrip. We only got to stay a day and didn't really see much other than the view from the coach and the factory. I am a little in love and most definitely want to return and explore properly.

We definitely faced a communication barrier in China, unlike in Hong Kong. It makes me feel terrible that my language skills aren't great and people always speak English, which is almost an excuse not to try. (Side note: I've decided to learn Italian. Wish me luck.)

One night I managed to take a few of the other editors and the marketing girl to the red light district of Hong Kong. Wan Chai is the home of bars that stay open late mid-week, so that is were we went - to a bar called Amazonia.

Here one of the editors was repeatedly accosted by a prostitute called Sarah.

Wednesday was most of the others' last day, so we did some touristy things. We jumped in a taxi and asked for the bottom of the peak, so we could get the tram. Instead we were taken to the top of the peak, into the carpark of a shopping mall.

We followed the building up to the top, where we discovered we were in fact in the wrong building. We were high up enough to see all the awesome however, so it didn't matter.

It was very windy way up high, which we later discovered the reason for.

We got the tram back down to town and saw a sign saying 'Typhoon 1 has been hoisted' while we waited on the platform.

Later, waiting for the ferry, we saw another sign saying the same thing.

'Gee, they like naming things typhoon out here, don't they?'

It wasn't until later, when the typhoon warning reached a number 3 did we realise what the signs actually meant. Lots of the guys had to fly home that night.

As work was now officially over, I checked out of the beautiful posh hotel and into a horrible YWCA further inland. It was an unpleasant experience. The shower smelt of mould, for one.

So Thursday morning I wake up and leave the YWCA. Walking around an empty Kowloon, I giggle to myself. 'Gosh,' I think. 'How have I managed to find the quiet part of Hong Kong? I wonder where everyone is.'

No cars. No people. Strange.

After walking around for about 30 or 40 minutes, following road signs and intuition I have managed to discover many a council estate-esque place, lots of dead ends and loads of residential roads. And a taxi. A lone taxi.

I flag him down and struggle to ask for the Science Museum. On arrival I am told that the museum is closed - along with the rest of Hong Kong.

Hong Kong closed?

You see, the typhoon warning had gone up to a number 8. Eight is enough to ground flights and close businesses. Do you like how nobody at the YWCA cared to tell me about this? How they just let me walk out to my potential death!

Ok, so my first experience of a typhoon later led me to realise my life was never in any sort of danger, but for dramatic effect, let's pretend it was.

As soon as I stepped outside the Science Museum, down came the rain. And boy, did it come down. I stood under a sheltered bit for a while and watched as others did the same. Unsure how long such rainfalls last, and aware of the fact that rain can't hurt me, I started walking.

The nice hotel was only around the corner, so it wasn't so bad.

I went it, had lunch, used the free wi-fi and waited out the rain.

I ended up booking myself in for a night and spending far too much money on a room. I was there for such a long time and it was just so nice and the other place just so horrid.

And I really wanted a bath. Super expensive bath!

That evening I took myself for a walk along the harbour, when the warning went back down to three. I took pictures along the Avenue of Stars and put my hand in Bruce Lee's handprint.

I then took myself for dinner and had the most amazing thing I've ever eaten. Thai red curry in a baked pumpkin. Lush.

I soon ended up back at Amazonia, and for the first time all trip allowed myself to get drunk. I managed to befriend everyone on and near the dance floor as well as most people outside. It was a fantastic evening.

I spent my last day doing an open bus tour of Hong Kong Island, where I found Victoria Park. I sat for a while by a fountain watching an old man play with toy boats. I also discovered the play area, where they're teaching children to read brail (and English)!

All-in-all: Amazing AsianAdventures. More please.

The power of repetition

2011-08-31T01:53:00.002+01:00

In the months between finishing my postgrad and coming to London I found myself repeating words I didn't believe. I found myself omitting information I couldn't bring myself to share. I found myself laying a foundation I didn't know I was laying.

I wrote very few blog posts in that time, but I just read one about positive thinking. At the time, I wasn't prepared to divulge how broken I was. This was in part because I didn't want to upset the person who broke me and partly because I didn't want to show weakness.

The interesting thing about weakness is, once you've overcome it, you don't mind people knowing it was once a cross you carried. Of course, I can't speak for everyone, but that's how it has worked in my situation.

Photo by MrsMinifig

But my vague attempts to pretend I was fine and thinking positive in fact led to a newfound positive attitude. Things that I said in that blog post - and that I found (still find) myself repeating to people around me - became part of my being. They sunk into the depths of my conscious and pitched up.

'Nothing is ever as bad as it seems,' is but an example. Telling people that positive energy breeds positivity seemed to ignite a positivity I didn't know I possessed, but pretended to flaunt.

'There are two types of people in this world, those who say they're going to do something and those who do it.' - But another example of a line I repeated, up until the point I became the latter type of person.

Since my return from Hell (also known as sunny Swindon), I've been on many an adventure, spoken to many different types of people, made many new friends and read many new books, as I begin to discover my path. A path I may not have known I was looking for if everything didn't go to shit.

One of my favourite quotes of late is from a Paulo Coelho book: 'Sometimes, certain blessings arrive by shattering all the windows.'

Photo by Ed Schipul

I think that's true.

I think if I can go from wanting to vanish off the face of the Earth, to a balanced contentment so sharply, anybody can. So for anyone body reading this who is feeling down or hating the world or things just aren't going right for you, try a little experiment. What's it going to hurt?

Spend the next month saying:

'Nothing's ever as bad as it seems,' and 'I'm so lucky.'

On repeat. Repetition is key. Say it to yourself and say it to other people. And while you're at it start saying 'yes' more.

Danny Wallace may have played an important role in changing my life =p Maybe you should also read Yes Man, while you're at it.

Something magical

2011-08-23T07:30:00.000+01:00

I posted something magical to SuperPennie.com. I'd love for you to go investigate =]

Every so often things change

2011-07-24T12:57:00.001+01:00

Every so often I remember that I've been ignoring you. And slightly less often I tell myself this needs to be addressed. And even less often I find myself sat here, spilling an unedited stream of conscious down the throats of whoever is prepared to read it.

Things change. Life is in this constant state of flux and the better you get at keeping up with the waves, the more fun the whole game is. Unfortunately, nobody ever really gets the hang of the game completely and we all wipeout once in a while.

Since having returned to London at the end of May, I've started seeing things differently. Or rather, I've started seeing things. Really looking at the world around me. Really taking in everything that I possibly can and my change of approach has had positive repercussions.

I am now the assistant editor on Lux magazine - and I can tell you this: This is most certainly the perfect PennieJob.

I get to do real journalism. I get to go out and talk to people and make things happen. I get to organise and write and take pictures. I get to experience the journalistic process every step of the way.

And I am so damn lucky.

My change of approach has me meeting new people, doing new things, seeing new sights. I've always been pretty impulsive, but I'm definitely more so. Just decide and go. Maybe that should be my motto.

As always, every good comes with its fair share of bad and my bad was pretty bad. But humans tend to focus on the bad a bit too much. So I'm putting it in a box. Nostalgia is great but it can hold you back, remind you of a good that you'll never have again and hinder all those new goods trying to find you. And the old goods were pretty perfect goods while they lasted and I will always look upon them fondly, but the world will give you new goods everyday if you let it.

I've been reading an awful lot since starting at Lux - I read a lot already, but much more these days - thanks to my epic hour and a half journey to work in the morning (and thus hour and a half journey back again). My love for Paulo Coelho has been rekindled with a new found openness to the universe and to life in general. This openness has pushed me towards a path that I'm sure I'm meant to be on and have no idea to where it leads. But that most definitely makes it all the more exciting! It's a constant adventure and a daily dose of something new and it's perfect.

The other day I met a witch. I've never met a witch before and it was fascinating. I feel as though I learnt much about myself and the nature of being through our conversation - perhaps not 'learnt' in the sense that I could explain any of it to anyone, more like this subtle understanding that I'm going the right way.

I have no idea what that way is and I'm pretty sure everyone's way is a different way and thus certain paths must cross and sometimes walk together in time, but eventually paths must split.

We will all come across people within our lives who we were meant to meet and who will play an important role in our lives, so just go with it while it lasts. You never know what they can teach you.

Not talking

2011-04-18T20:08:00.001+01:00

A friend just sent me to: Why shoddy writing is better than good writing by Claire Creffield. His intention was to hurry me up and encourage me to blog something, so here I go:

During an emotional crisis, not talking seems like the best idea. The more you talk about something, the more you are thinking about something and the more that something is going to get to you. So I try to avoid talking about things that make me cry.

The only problem with this technique however, is that it is normally something that I probably need to talk about.

So, where do you find the balance?

If you start talking about these things that you know in your gut you shouldn't talk about, then start getting over emotional, you look like a fool. This is only going to make things worse, because I can guarantee that more often then not, you are going to tell the person that you really shouldn't be telling and looking like a fool in front of the person you really want to think highly of you.

So, what do you do?

Well, as it stands, I have absolutely no idea. I think it's about trying really hard to not feel anything, then you can talk about it and it doesn't matter. But even better than that: it just doesn't matter.

I used to be in a constant state of it-just-doesn't-matter a while back. Some of you may remember way back when, when I first started this blog. I named it A Broken Nihilist on purpose. Dissect at point. Then something happened. In amongst the general rubbish that life throws at you, I caught something special.

Happy works like dominos.

Once you start getting happy, suddenly you look around you and everything is fabulous. You see rainbows on cloudy days and find change lying around. You believe that everything is going to be ok and that the world is actually alright. That things always work out how they are supposed to.

You start to believe things you once thought were ridiculous. You start to believe in love. You become that bubbling pot of rainbow juice.

The problem with this new happy-clappy-loved-up-flappy state is that you are vulnerable. The most vulnerable you have ever been. You get paranoid. You become terrified that something is going to shake the boat. Then before you know it you are right back at self-destruct. Right where you started - and you have no idea how to not be. You realise that within the nothingness of before, you were safe. You realise that pleasure brings pain. You wish more than anything that you can just go back, go back to feeling nothing. You try to convince yourself it's possible.

But your efforts are wasted. Inside you can still hear that happy-clappy voice telling you to keep going. Telling you the pleasure is worth the pain. Telling you things will work out and to be strong.

So the internal conflict leaves you bouncing between paralysis and mania. And you sit and wonder what you are supposed to do to make everything alright. You sit alone, like before, and try to focus. Because when you focus you are amazing. And you know you are going to make it, but you don't want to have to do it alone.

But I guess life is full of ups and downs and it's just part of growing up to learn how to deal with both. However the number of midlife crisis' and such leads me to believe that an awful lot of people never figure it out.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the matter.

Positive thinking

2011-03-19T10:55:00.002Z

I just spent half an hour talking to Jehovah Witnesses at my door, discussing how you should just enjoy everyday. How there is no way of knowing if there is a god or not, so you should just embrace life. Because if this is all there is, why waste it hoping that what happens next is better?

I didn't change their opinion and they didn't change mine, but for 30 minutes I was me again. I was happy and positive.

This week has been pretty shit, but I'm ok. Nothing is ever as bad as you think it is and there are always people who have it worse, so why be upset about anything?

Last Friday (not yesterday) I graduated PMA. I now have a postgrad. Pow. The nine weeks leading up to that day where amazing, I learnt so much and grew up an awful lot. A concept that has always scared the shit out me, but I'm accepting it. I'm a better person for it. Everyday.

We created a trade magazine called Festival Business, which is incredible. Check out our website (which will hopefully be better soon): www.festivalbusiness.co.uk

Next step is finding a job on a magazine. I have been applying all week to different publications, trying to master the art of the cover letter. Journalism makes me so excitable and the thought of spending the rest of my life in the game is simply perfect. The PMA folk reckon we should all be employed in no time, so I'm not too worried. I'll just keep pushing forwards, 'cause determination is something I have heaps of.

A couple of days ago I decided I needed an adventure, so I will be going on a Mount Kilimanjaro trek in February to raise money for the Alzheimer's Society. I chose to help them as my dad has Alzheimer's and I can see what it does. It makes you feel helpless, as if there is nothing you can do to make a difference. So I'm going to try, even if I'm just helping people in the future.

I have yet to register for this adventure as I need £400, of which I have zero pounds. But I'll get it. Then I will raise at least £4k and get fit enough not to die. It's exciting. I've never been on a trek before, so I should probably have picked somewhere easier for my first attempt, but heck, I've never been one to do things by halves.

With days filled with nothing but free time at the moment, I am keeping busy, but this should mean my blog should start getting more attention again. I've missed you!

SP

Monday Is The Day That Everything Changes

2011-01-06T14:27:00.002Z

Things change all the time, this is true. But once in a while there is something big that you just know is going to change your world and you just have to believe it'll be for the better. Now sometimes those little things that you don't take much notice of, massively affect your world. But for now, I'm focussing on something I believe will be huge.

On Monday I start my postgraduate course in magazine journalism. It will be nine weeks of intense studying as I make my way to becoming a little closer to the person I most want to be. I will learn more than just how to write like a journalist. I will learn about myself and I will learn about a world I know very little about. For these nine weeks I will move back to London and not really get to see anyone, as I will be studying seven days a week. All day. Everyday. This means I won't see Kaity for nine weeks, which will be a challenge in itself.

That's two very different, yet somehow connected challenges, running alongside eachother. The next challenge is to not let one damage the other. I suppose that would namely be, don't let missing Kaity stop me succeeding. Because that would be stupid. Because what is the point of working so hard and spending so much money, just to fail, because I'm love sick? Nothing. I know it is going to be hard. I have seen Kaity everyday for months and we are rarely ever apart, so this will be difficult. But I just have to keep myself occupied (which, by the sounds of the course, shouldn't be too difficult), until I get back. Then we have the rest of our lives to play =]

I have been concerned that the others on my course would all be smarter than me. Better than me at shorthand, at writing, at social skills. Just better, generally. But after talking to some of them about shorthand today via email, I feel less worried. I think none of us are prepared for what we are about to embark on and that is kind of comforting. All I know is that I have to work my socks off and that this week I will get through as much of that shorthand book as I can, I'm on chapter five so far, which isn't so bad =]

Interview With Tim Vigon Plus Catch Up

2010-12-09T14:57:00.001Z

Hey guys,

It seems every time I talk to you, it begins with an apology for being so infrequent. So let's just shuffle through that. When applying for my postgrad I had to write an interview. I recently posted the interview I wrote to my website, so you should all go and check it out and let me know your thoughts =]

CLICK ME

I currently have a full time job and have just moved into a new house, so until this morning did not have the internet. But I am back, kind of. I still have no time, but I am a writer. Writing is what I do. I haven't felt like me for a while now. No time to read, no time to write, no time. But on Monday I went to my parents house and picked up a Nietzsche book and started reading again. I've been planning in my head, making notes, writing. Not loads, but more than nothing. I'm slowly beginning to feel like me.

It's strange how there is never enough time to tick all the boxes at once and something always has to give. My world should be perfect right now. Perfect girlfriend. Awesome job. Amazing house. And I'm almost content. I just want to make sure I don't lose myself. I imagine it is something everyone faces at various points through their lives. Maybe learning to find the balance is what it is all about. Finding the middle ground. I'm working on finding balance, as it goes I have just found a very sleepy Pennie.

Of Adventures and Such

2010-10-26T10:59:00.002+01:00

Dear Readers,

You may have noticed a decrease in love on my blog, focussing more on just letting you know about my website. I will try to find a middle ground, because you are very important to me. I enjoy our chats about the arts and philosophy and the pessimism and optimism you throw at me on discussions about existence and the world. This is something I do not want to lose.

On that note, I do hope you have been visiting my website from time to time and keeping up with what I'm doing =] I have put in a 'Writings' section, which houses links to my work elsewhere on the internet. That has constantly been updating for the last couple of weeks, so there is lots of you to read.

There are also those stories, which will continue to be added. Though I have decided I will not included all the stories I write for the TubeTales section to the website. This is because my book will (hopefully) be happening by the end of the year and I want it to be a combination of short stories and poetry. If you were to buy the book, I'm sure you'd like to see something you've not seen before...

This evening I will be performing at SpeechMotion as the Feature act! You should try and make it (if you're in or near London). It's at the Horse and Groom on Curtain Road in Shoreditch and starts at 7. The night will be hosted by the lovely Catherine Brogan and also performing will be Ernesto Sarezale.

Check out http://www.gaytimes.co.uk/Interact/Blogs-articleid-7518-sectionid-708.html for a preview I wrote about it =]

Also, you should, of course, pay superpennie.com some attention =p

Friday is my last day of work experience with MPG, so I'm going to have to really find a job now. It has been ages since I graduated, it's getting silly.

I will be going to Hong Kong soon, so I will be sure to share with you my AsianAdventures either while I am there, or on my return =] I am very excited. I am very lucky to be going.

I sent suite101 a sample of my work and they accepted me to start writing for them. I don't know if this is a good thing or not... anyone have any idea? I can get some dollar (though I can't imagine it will be a lot) for writing for them and can use it to build my portfolio of work in the hopes of one day finding a job... but do real writers write for suite101 or am I going to cause myself more harm than good? I also have discovered hubpages, so the same question goes to that...

Oh oh update: I've been accepted onto that Journalism course!

Of Heartbreak and Lost Girls

2010-10-19T15:46:00.000+01:00

New story up on superpennie.com as part of the TubeTales series.

Check it out =]

Of Heartbreak and Lost Girls

First Days at MPG

2010-10-12T21:28:00.002+01:00

Yesterday was my first day of work experience with Millivres Prowler Group. I woke up extra early to give me getting-lost time or the often necessary London's-moving-too-slowly time. As it turned out I was far too early and after a quick induction was handed over to the editor of Diva, until the guys I'm working with got in. She too studied philosophy at university, so we were talking for a while, both having written about Marxism. She seemed very cool, (most people do in fact). I spent much of that time telling her that I was amazing, to the point where she told me if that was the case they'd have to scoop me right up. So here's hoping I impress.

I got put straight to work actually writing stuff which is amazing! The first of which can be found on the Pink Paper website, following the link below:

http://news.pinkpaper.com/NewsStory/4049/12/10/2010/good-samaritan-film-scoops-25k-at-iris-festival.aspx

I have been working on things for Diva, Gay Times and Pink Paper, which is fantastic. Last time I was with them, in 2008, it was only Pink Paper stuff.

Today I was given a news piece to write about concerning a man running for Senate in Kenya. If elected he would be the second elected gay politician in Africa. I wrote a short article on it, then (who I imagine is like) his right hand man emailed us saying he's rather it'd be more focused on the positive stuff. So I phoned him (in Africa) and got the Senate's phone number. I however got a 4 and a 5 the wrong way round and ended up phoning a woman who didn't speak English - three times. I soon corrected this and phoned the right person (thank you internet).

I interviewed the Senate over the phone (for over 10 mins) then transcribed the whole thing and turned it into an article. This was all very scary, seeing as phones make me anxious, but I did it, and I think I did it well. It's all so exciting. I've been gleaming all day. This is most definitely where I want to be. At one point today I had three things to do (including sorting the interview stuff). I loved it. I loved being busy. I loved writing. I loved researching. I loved the environment.

Hopefully the article I wrote today will be up on the website tomorrow =]

Oooh the editor of the Pink Paper wrote me a letter today to take with me tomorrow to my interview (tomorrow is my interview for the post grad in magazine journalism), which is all very exciting. I wanted to take a clipping of the piece published in the paper copy of Pink Paper in 2008, but I can't find the paper in my box of stuff. I found my scrapbook, which has a clip of it stuck in, but it's too heavy to take the whole book for one page... and I wouldn't want them looking at the rest of it.

I am feeling very positive. I hope tomorrow goes well.

Be sure to go check out superpennie.com - It needs to become part of your routine =]

TUBE TALES: The Boy Who Always Ran.

2010-10-10T22:45:00.002+01:00

Hey guys! I hope if you haven't already you will head over to superpennie.com and check out the first Tube Tale, Mr Panda.

Below is the second story in the series, The Boy Who Always Ran. I figured I'd post it here too, just until everyone gets used to following the website, though I will always link to what's new over there anyway =]

Enjoy!

The Boy Who Always Ran

I thought he was mine; just mine. That he was especially for me, existing only to keep me company. A true friend.

Years later I discovered he would visit other kids too. I wasn't the only one! I felt cheated.

Of course, the grown up in me was astonished by the fact that children who did not know each other could share an imaginary friend. But more importantly the child in me was excited to know her old friend must just be off entertaining other kids these days, after all it is a most important job.

I must admit, the child in me was also a little heart broken at the thought that he left me, to play with another kid. It's like he was stolen from me. Like losing your best friend to some other kid and never even getting to understand why.

I don't remember his name. Maybe I just never knew it. We didn't really talk much.

He would always keep me company on those long journeys and entertained me with his tricks. He was the fastest runner I ever did see. I guess you could say he was like an extreme free runner on fast forward.

For years he would be by my side.

Every time I got into my parents car or onto a bus or train to go somewhere, he'd be there. Not 'there' exactly… he was always outside.

Not because I didn't want him in the car (of course I did!), but because he didn't need to be in the car.

Running along fences and walls on the road side, he's always be able to keep up. He loved to run and jump and swing from poles. Heck, I guess he still does.

He'd run along the road, jumping up and over the cars. They'd never even care about him. Not one of them ever slowed down! To begin with I'd be worried he'd get hurt. I'd get angry at the drivers who'd constantly threaten his life.

I slowly began to understand that it was him threatening his own, that it wasn't anyone else's responsibility to protect him other than his own. He helped me learn that we need to take responsibility for ourselves.

That if you do something stupid, it's your own fault if something bad comes of it. It's not other peoples place to ever tell you what to do, just warn you if they see something you're blind to.

I also came to realise that he was never going to get hurt. He was a pro! He was the best extreme free runner on fast forward in the business.

He'd fling himself from lamppost to lamppost across the long stretch of motorway and run along those metal bars that are always placed along the edges - I never did learn their name.

Sometimes he would turn up on a skateboard or wearing a pair of blades.

He'd almost always wear a blue t-shirt. Or maybe it was black.

He taught me to be brave. And that if you give yourself a chance to panic, you'll never jump, so to be prepared to take chances once and a while. I think I lost some of those lessons growing up. The day you get hurt you get too scared to jump. Before you ever get really hurt, it doesn't occur to you that it could happen. You think you're immortal. Untouchable. The older you get, the more you come to realise that you're not.

I don't remember exactly the date he ran from me. I think it's been a while though. Sat on this train back to London I found myself staring out the window, thinking about him.

I sure do hope he's still running and that he didn't get too old.

And I sure do hope he's stilling teaching little kids all those lessons he's there to teach.

Please, oh please, if anyone see's him, or knows his whereabouts, could you pass him on a message from an old friend? Tell him I miss him and long journeys haven't been the same.

And tell him thank you for even running in the rain.

10.10.10

Tube Tales

2010-10-10T09:43:00.000+01:00

Hey there guys! I've started what I hope will become a series called Tube Tales. Sat on the Tube on Thursday I felt a little inspired. Seems I'm a bit of a people watcher. I have written what I suppose can be called a story or something called Mr Panda which is the first part in the series. It has been posted up on my website for you all to enjoy. Please go and check it out! I'd love to hear your thoughts =]

Moving Up, Along And Backwards

2010-10-08T19:38:00.001+01:00

I have much updating to do here and probably not all that much time, so I'll just jump straight in. I have been working on my website lately and am only deciding and discovering what it is I want exactly as I go along. In the spirit of going with the flow I will begin using it from now, posting stories and such and we can all just watch the site grow and develop together. Some of you may have already noticed the address for this blog has been redirected to become part of my site, going under the title blog.superpennie.com. I will continue to use this but will also be using superpennie.com too. Everything I post there will have either a copy posted up here with a link or just a summary with a link for you all to see.

Hopefully this will mean more content from me. I already have a few ideas in the works. The first of which I wrote on the tube yesterday and which I will hopefully get online over the next couple of days =]

In other news, I performed at The Great Bardic Alliance in aid of National Poetry Day last night. The Guardian published an article discussing modern poetry and mentioned the night, which you can all read and comment on here. To begin with I was a little annoyed with the author, but on further consideration, we were given free advertisement in a national newspaper, so that's a win. It was an awesome night and I got to see many acts I have never seen before. I was there representing SpeechMotion

I have a bit of footage and will hopefully be getting a video or two of me too, so I will be sharing those with you shortly.

Remember the work experience I had to cancel when I tore the ligaments in my ankle a while back? Well, I have managed to rearrange it and I will be starting on Monday! This is very exciting, but it does mean I will have no money and have to travel around London everyday without a student Oyster card... I've not worked out how that will happen yet.

And finally, I have an interview for my post grad in magazine journalism on Wednesday. I don't want to say anymore about it, partly because I don't want to jinx anything and partly because I don't want to get too excited, but you all have to wish me luck and send me good energy and do whatever other ritualistic things you do, if any, in these situations. It would be much appreciated, though admittedly not completely understood. But I have come to accept that I will never truly understand very much and those who say that they do are either pretending or mistaken.

Telling Stories

2010-09-21T11:57:00.000+01:00

After being somewhat inspired by the new blog of a university friend of mine, I decided sharing some stories from my past with you could be quite interesting. Having a retrospective view of the events allows for a different understand of how and why things happened, whilst offering you, my trusty army of followers, an insight into the life and times of SuperPennie, before she claimed her title.

Once upon a time, lived a dorky little girl called Pennie Varvarides. She was the youngest of three, born nine and a half years after number two, her elder sister Helen. You may be wondering why there was such a massive gap... no? Well, I'm going to explain this to you anyway...

After my mother had my sister, she had one of those coil things put in, so she couldn't have any more kids for a while. They couldn't really afford another one and they had far too much work to do as it was. Unfortunately something went wrong and the coil got infected, so it had to be removed. The dr's told my mother she wouldn't be able to have any more children. She just wanted to put it off for a bit, until they were in a better place, but it looks like the dr's just took with them any hopes for another child, ever, even if they were ready and really wanted one. So eventually they stopped even thinking about it (I don't actually know if that's true, I'm just guessing... but I'm the storyteller... so I'm allowed =p), until one day my mother started going through those familiar signs of pregnancy.... that's right... it was me!

My parents and the dr's were all worried that there would be something wrong with me and this is how I got my name. In the Greek Orthadox religion, by naming your baby after a saint you are promising them your child's soul in exchange for protection... or maybe that's just the deal my mum had with Mary. You see Pennie is short for Panayiota, which in Greek is the name taken from the word Παναγια (bah-nah-yee-ah) referring to the mother of Jesus; Mary.

My sister always told me she asked Santa for a little sister and that he gave her me... I was born in March though, so just always thought Santa was tardy with his deliveries that year or something.
My brother always told me he had asked for a little brother and to compromise, rather than sending two new babies, I was a tomboy. This sounded logical to me... I just always assume I was like a boy, just without boy bits. Made perfect sense... to a 5 year old.

Being considerably younger than my brother and sister (as well as all the cousins) I got used to playing on my own. So much so, I kind of preferred it. Now days, I'm still pretty much the same, really enjoying any time I have to just hang out with myself and not have to talk or worry about whether my actions are fitting into those social norms everyone tries so hard to fit into....
Actually, to be honest, I never make that much effort in trying to be sociable and follow suit. I just have been lucky enough to find other people who are equally bonkers or geeky to bide my time with.

In playing by myself, I would often lay claim to empty notebooks that my parents had yet to start on and pens I found lying around. I'd write my own stories, of love and adventure and even put them into chapters. I'd pretend I had my own magazine or newspaper and interview adults around my parents factory if I'd been taken with them on days there wasn't anyone to babysit me. I'd write my own songs and dance around the house singing to myself. I was always writing. If I wasn't writing, I'd be making up games where I'd be keeping scores... where I'd still be writing, just stretching my arithmetic skills.

It didn't occur to me that I was always supposed to be a writer until fairly recently though, as strange as that is. I had wanted to be a scientist and invent things from as young as I can remember up until the age of 7, when I switched to wanting to be a lawyer for some reason. I imagine this thought was carefully planted in me from an external source, but I have no idea. When deciding on universities I went to visit King's College London on the law open day. I then went to a few other law open days. I realised it was most definitely something I never in a million years ever wanted to do. But I did however fall in love with King's and had my heart set on studying something there.

I picked up the prospectus and flicked to the humanities section, as writing and reading have always been my strong suit. Humanities subjects are the ones I'm best at. Had a flick through, took in mind the ALevel grades I thought I could get and picked a course out of those choices. It came down to philosophy and English lit, but as I'd never done philosophy before, it seemed like an amazing idea and I went with it.

This all kind of makes it sound a little planned out and thoughtful, but in reality this process took about 5 minutes. I can be fairly impulsive sometimes, but I find it normally works out ok. Part of me just kind of knew that was the right decision and there wasn't anything else I should be doing.

I wrote the most amazing personal statement, with help from a friend of mine from Taekwon Do who was currently doing her masters at King's in English. On seeing my personal statement my head of sixth form got really excited and came to speak to me. He had studies Maths and Philosophy at university and wanted to share in a moment with me. I had no idea about any philosophy whatsoever, apart from the first book of Plato's Republic which I had read while writing my personal statement for some inspiration and to be able to say I read it.

He introduced me to Sartre. He lent me Nausea and insisted I read it. I was hooked. By the time I finished reading it I was in love. In love with Sartre. In love with philosophy. And in love with words. The book made me feel so much, so much more than a book had ever made me feel before. I knew then that I had to be a writer. To one day create something that can make somebody feel even half as much as I felt reading Sartre.

One day, I'll write something that amazing. But I'm still just a baby in the grand scheme of things I guess, just finding my footing in the world. So I'm not in a hurry. When something comes to me, I'll just go with it.

Job Hunt Strategies

2010-09-19T00:46:00.002+01:00

It seems in this day and age, finding a job is not an easy venture. For every available position there seem to be scores of applicants to compete against, meaning standing out from the crowd is a major factor. Finding your first real job is thus painfully difficult for most, after all there are so many people with years of experience, why pick up a graduate?

After a couple of months of sending out CV's and applications I am taking on a more aggressive approach. I'm collecting the contact details for all the jobs I'm applying to, and in a few days I will phone them and remind them of my sheer awesomeness in the hopes of encouraging them to hire me. In finding a job, you need to get noticed and a phone call is more noticeable than an email, which can be lost in a packed out inbox never to be given a second thought. A couple of phone calls may be what it takes to get someone's attention.

Earlier tonight I found a fantastic job giving me the foot in the door I am in such desperate search for. I wrote the perfect cover letter and clicked apply.... only to be faced with the guardian website/the internet crashing on me. It was lost. I couldn't even find the page again anywhere. I had written the contacts name down already, but there was no other contact information available... thanks to the powers of the internet and some good Googling skills I found not only his email address but his phone number. I sent him a personalised email and my CV in the hopes of a (positive) response. And I plan to make use of his phone number.

I must admit, I hate talking on the phone, but if I get brushed off I will be trying again. You have to be persistent to get anywhere and in a world where your voice blends into the background, you just need to learn to make more noise. Wish me luck in this venture people. And if anyone has any UK media/publishing contacts they wish to share with me, I will be more than grateful.

It's All About The Buzz: Hearts Under Fire

2010-09-13T00:45:00.000+01:00

It's always about the buzz; the attention you can get in the area you live and breath. And that is exactly what these guys need!

Hearts Under Fire are a fantastic band who need your help! I have been in love with these guys for years, ever since I first heard their acoustic demo of Spitting Glass up on their Myspace. Since then they have been making swift steps to stardom and I even got the chance to see them play Download this year! But they need to create a buzz to win a competition, which will give them the chance to record a new album with RedBull Bedroom Jam as well as a support slot on the Kids In Glass Houses Tour.

All you have to do is Tweet "@rb_bj @heartsunderfire #huftowin"
Or go to their Myspace and listen to a track or two and leave a comment.
Or go to RedBull Bedroom Jam and watch their video (which is pretty damn awesome =p ) and leave a comment.

It measures how much hype a band is getting. There isn't long left, so let's give this a final push =]

Currently in first place is a band called You And What Army, who also performed at Download this year. Personally I felt they had really bad attitude and were rude to the fans. The lead singer insulted playing Download making out as though he were too big for it. For this reason, I don't think they deserve to win (or need to apparently =p)

So if you do one thing today, make it listening to Hearts Under Fire or checking out their video.

Eye's Wide Shut

2010-09-12T20:12:00.000+01:00

Though there has been much of a transformation in my outlook and behaviour this year, I have far from reached my goal. My goal being the place I would most like to be of course. I still find myself falling into the same traps and missing the same sign posts I've failed to avoid for a while. But the other day offered me a wake up call. From another one of my own mistakes I was able to truly see why I need to move forward and let go of certain chains that have held me down for so long.

But how? How does one walk away from their comfort zone and step out into the real world? To start taking responsibility and taking all ones chances rather than letting opportunities fly by?

I imagine to one extent or another, everyone has been in a similar situation. Perhaps you are so used to a person you can't recognise their actions as being negative or inappropriate; perhaps you are so frightened of the world you are quick to retreat back into yourself and your world of fantasy. There are a million different scenarios you could find yourself in, that leave you lost or broken.

I can't pretend to be able to help anyone achieve anything. I'm still young and don't know much. I can't imagine I'll ever know much, perhaps just learn how best to deal with a lack of true knowledge. Or how best to deal with the superficial knowledge we are accustomed to. But this isn't a philosophical blog about the nature of knowledge and our ability to possess it... I'm sure many of you already know where I more or less stand on the matter. This is about a community helping each other.

I like to think that my regular followers can come together through their comments to share some advice with one another. I have come to realise the only way to save yourself from a bad situation, is to find something to hold onto that makes you want to stay clear of the darkness. But finding something to hold onto isn't enough. You can't climb from the darkness for someone or something else, because if that thing or person were to ever disappear you would fall straight back down. You need to do it for you. You need to truly want to see the light and have that happy fuzzy feeling when you wake up. You have to want your health. You have to want to achieve something. Having something to aim for makes it easier; set's your focus.

I would love to hear back from you lot! How do you pick yourselves up when you're down? How do you keep yourselves from falling back?

When Dreams Blend With Reality

2010-09-10T12:00:00.008+01:00

You know those dreams that feel so real, you wake up thinking they happened? Even when you know they didn't really happen and that you were only dreaming, they've still manage to get hold your your emotions and can determine how the rest of your days go. In a discussion with a friend of mine the other day, she was telling me she woke up very cross with her girlfriend, 'cause in her dream she had been cheating on her (or maybe they broke up, I don't remember the specifics on this one).

These dreams can take you by the throat and halt your breathing, or make you anxious. They can stun you into a daze, where you are completely and utterly confused. And they can jolt you into consciousness with tears or fear embedded. Sometimes you may not even remember what it was you dreamed about or think perhaps you didn't have a dream at all, yet somehow you still awaken somewhat shaken.

Recently I had a dream that my father was trying to kill me and chasing me around the area we live in with this metal rod type weapon. The only way to save myself was to kill him. I was terrified and didn't want to hurt him, but I had no choice; he'd gone mad. So I found my own metal rod thing and stabbed him in the chest with it. I woke up in tears. The next time I went to my parents house I told him all about it and he laughed at me and told me to give him a cuddle. He said this old saying in Greek, which pretty much translates to 'stupid dreams come to stupid people'. I felt a lot better at this point. When I walked into the house I just felt guilty. Guilt that I killed my own dad in cold blood... Now obviously I know that that was a dream and that he is still here and he is able to hug me... but it changes nothing. I still felt it.

You know when dreams come back to you, hours later, or sometimes even days? Well, I had one of those moments. The other day I was acting all strange and dopey when I woke up, more so than usual. My eyes were leaking but I didn't feel like I had a reason to cry, I was quiet and had trouble focusing and just generally not ok. I just thought I was still tired or something. Maybe I was exhausted after a night of dreams and no real sleep.

Isn't it strange how if you go to bed and dream all night you wake up completely worn out? It's like the recuperative nap was a complete waste of time.

As my dream from the other night came back to me, I realised why I must have been acting so bizarre. It was that guilt again. Not the same as the killing-my-father-in-cold-blood kinda guilt, but a guilt nonetheless. Guilt for something that didn't even happen.

Who else has the same sort of strong connection to their dreams? I'd love to know some of your stories of how your dream affected your mornings, or even your whole day!
Why do you think we can be made to feel so many things by something we know to be separate from our reality? Sometimes, dreams are so realistic, you find yourself confusing them with memories. Ticking things off a to-do list you never did and catching up with friends you never phoned. Have you ever continued a conversation you'd been thinking about all day, only to discover the conversation never happened and the person has no idea what you are talking about?

Imagine the consequences of particular dreams that are so realistic they blend into your reality so completely, it has you fooled for a substantial period of time. Imagine a scenario where you relived a real time event, but played it out a little different. Maybe you had an argument with someone the other day and you were still very cross about it, but in your dream instead of walking away you got into a physical fight. Or the person you were arguing with attacked a love one in your dream world... what do you think the chances of you wanting to deck the person next time you see them, either because you think they got aggressive, or because you were simply overcome by an unexplainable urge and strong emotions egging you on?

Share you thoughts =] I always love hearing back from you lot!

New Look

2010-09-09T09:30:00.001+01:00

Just a quicky to ask you all what you think of the new layout? The lovely GregoryGaige spent the evening (morning) designing and implementing SuperPennie's facelift. He is a bit amazing =]

As I'm doing the update thing, I finally finished reading 1984. I know, it took me ages! I'm a slow reader... well not exactly. I read loads, fairly quickly, then wear myself out and only read tiny bits in several intervals until I get all excited about it and read loads in one go again. I have a short attention span!

I started reading Aldous Huxley's Brave New World yesterday, on recommendation from a man that frequents our pub. He lent it to me ages ago, but as it took me so long to get through 1984 I have only just got round to it. I will try my best to read this faster.

I was left a little empty after 1984. I will now permit myself to watch the movie and compare. I didn't want to watch it first. Though I am not looking forward to the bit with the rats.

Spotting The Light In The Darkness

2010-09-06T14:48:00.000+01:00

For those of you who have been by my side since my early days of blogging, you have most likely noticed a shift in perspective. Some followers may have since stopped reading, having felt the darker tones were what they required of me, rather than the sparks of light that sometimes weave into my consciousness. To those, I apologise. Not for letting you down, but for leaving you behind.

Constant negativity and pessimism may seem 'realistic' but does nothing for you. It leaves you hollow and bitter. This is from first hand experience, perhaps it suits others better, but I for one love it when I can hold on to the good. Sometimes I pretend to see the good, as many of you know, because it's what those around you want. It's hard work being the one having to put up with the negative person who wants so much but expects so little, to the point where they stop wanting. I've been on both ends of the stick, so I can understand both sides. It takes a lot out of a person if you're always down, and you can say it isn't your fault that you're down, the world just hates you, but I've seen people who have been through more than I could have imagined still shining bright. These people are doing more than just holding on and being strong, they are living. They are taking the world by the horns and riding it all the way to the end. These people inspire me.

On Saturday I woke up in a very bad mood. I feel like if I tell you why I'm over disclosing, but perhaps we've come too far not to. I woke up in pain, horrible, stomach crunching pain. It seems by body is confused about the natural menstrual cycle and is on repeat, every two weeks. To anyone who has ever experienced a bad period, I'm sure you can empathise. I then discovered numerous texts and missed calls from my mother, who has locked herself out, along with my father and our dog. I'm not entirely sure how all of them got locked out or how they managed to close both the inner and the outer door... but I am the only other person with a key.

Instead of getting a locksmith (who would be there in 30 mins) they wanted me to come and let them in. You may be thinking, that's hardly a big deal Pennie... but I am in Swindon and they live in London. So it would take me 3 hours to get there at least, especially as I just rolled out of bed!

Has anyone travelled London on a weekend? It's not fun, I assure you! Almost every tube line had part closures or delays meaning we didn't get to their house until around 4pm (we woke up at 11.45 ish).

You can imagine my dismay at this request. I was not happy.

But now, the light...

Saturday was my best friends 22nd birthday and I couldn't afford to get to London to see her. The situation with my parents meant, they would give me the money for the train thus enabling me to see my friend. We were able to surprise her by turning up at her door unannounced when she finished work. We also spent the day baking her a magnificent birthday cake until we met up with everyone in the pub for a birthday drink.

As I wasn't expecting to go I sent her a card on Friday - recorded delivery - so she could open it in the morning. It didn't turn up on time. I also sent her a present from a website online, paying for next day delivery. Not only did this not turn up Saturday morning, but I was charged twice, because their website malfunctioned. I was sent an email today saying it's been dispatched, but I emailed them on Friday demanding they do not charge me twice. I was ignored. I may have to phone them. I just hope she would have got it today at least.

Amongst my really bad day I was given the opportunity to see my friend. By focusing on that part it helped me ignore the bad mood I was in and enjoy the day. I suppose it's a lesson for everyone... search out the good bits, 'cause it'll help you through the bad.

Life in a wheelchair

2010-08-16T18:18:00.002+01:00

I recently discovered a whole new world; a world where more often than not you do not exist and you do not matter. Thanks to my own clumsiness I found myself wheelchair bound for about three weeks, with a torn ligament and an oversized, purple and green ankle (sounds lovely, I know). It is almost as if this ordeal allowed for a bit of undercover investigation of what life is like for those in wheelchairs. So, ofcourse I decided the best thing I could do would be to share my experiences with you lot.  

(Gross, right?)

For anyone who has ever attempted travelling London in a wheelchair, it comes as no suprise that ramps are not a common feature. I was lucky enough to have been able to grab hold of my crutches to hop up and down stairs where necessary whilst someone else was left with the task of carrying the wheelchair (usually Kaity). I must stress how massive this wheelchair is! I could quite easily fit two of me sat side by side in it! But what about those people who are permanately tied to their chairs? In all honesty I have no idea how the people who can't just stand up, get around London at all.  

I began what became more than just a journey from Zone 5 of London to Swindon, but an unecessarily difficult mission to the beyond.

  As it goes, busses do not really have much space for wheelchairs and their access ramps don't always open.   It also seems as though not many Underground stations have lifts, meaning we had to try to take a route that would accomodate us. Handed a giant map of the London Underground, which was designed to help blind people out too I imagine, the journey began.

I do have to give it to King's Cross for having lifts, placing it ahead of many a station, but it was like working our way through an underground labyrinth, moving from lift to lift trying to change lines spread across different levels and at different ends of the building. Having made it all the way to Paddington, we were naive enough to think we'd be in the clear... Oh how wrong we were!

  Paddington station, one of London's prime mainline stations, failed to provide any accessibility and right when we thought they might have had some sensibilities towards those who's only mode of transport is on wheels, they yet again let us down. The gap from the tube to the platform is a little scary! As Kaity pretended everything was ok to me, to stop my panic, she tried to figure out how on Earth one person could ever possibly get someone in a wheelchair onto the platform. We were lucky; four men jumped to the rescue and picked the chair up off of the train and on to the platform. In small pinches throughout my time in a wheelchair, human kindness was discovered. People would go out of their way to be helpful... This is most definitely a side of London I don't usually get to see.

Once on the platform we were faced with our next challenge; the flight of stairs up to the main station. A man that worked there appologised about the lack of accessability and offered to carry the chair whilst Kaity helped me up the stairs on foot. I wonder how I would have made it if I couldnt use my legs at all!  

To top it off, we saw the most ridiculous scene. Like I mentioned above, we could remember there being a ramp and rolled over to where we thought it was. We were excited to be able to just relax for a minute and roll along to our train. Alas, things were not so simple; at the top of the ramp were three steps leading down.

I can't understand why this is necessary. Who's idea was it to build steps leading down to the disabled ramp? Who was it that looked at the proposed idea, and signed it saying, 'yeah, sure. That makes sense'?

I have a new found respect for anyone who has to deal with this day in and day out. Both disabled people and their carers work incredibly hard just to go from A to B, something we constantly take for granted. Even something as simple as going into a shop and having a look around becomes a task, having to fit through gangways placed too close together. Many trips to the shop taken during my time in the chair, would result in me being left near the entrance because the chair could not fit to navigate the store.

Back to the topic of human kindness, it does seem like people are a lot more willing to help those less able, if they could see them struggling. Well, sort of...

As it goes, people were more than happy to help Kaity help me around, but it was very rare for anyone to even really look at me for too long. It was as though I didn't really exist, just a piece of luggage a pretty lady was struggling with. Being us, we questioned many people while we were out, taking the opportunity to talk to strangers (as we do) and learn something new about a world I for one never gave much thought to.

Many people told me they didn't want to offend anybody by offering them help, whilst others would be more than happy to help someone if they needed it. It seems like it's a tough call, as there are all those people who are independent and can manage on their own, regardless of anything we might class a handicap. I did however sure appreciate any help people would offer, but maybe that's because I'm not used to having to deal with such situations alone. My upper body strength is somewhat nonexistent, so rolling myself along in the chair or using the crutches to get anywhere was far too difficult and I'd have to stop every 20 seconds for a break.

People would constantly be apologising to me, even though normally it was me that was in the way. On the train back to Swindon, we were in search of somewhere to put the wheelchair so we were out of the way and were pointed towards the wheelchair space. A woman with a buggy was on one side, so we parked the wheelchair on the other; there was plenty of space. She immediately began apologising and trying to take up less space, she then asked us if we wanted to take her seat as she had a table on the end. We politely declined and left her and her child put, but she explained how her wheelchair bound friend is always complaining about buggies in the wheelchair space.

The train conductor came to talk to us and apparently we can request help getting on and off trains, who knew? This meant once we reached Swindon we could just roll off on a ramp rather than me jump out and Kaity carry it off. If only we knew we could ask for help sooner...

Quick Update

2010-07-30T17:03:00.000+01:00

Sorry I vanished for a bit guys. You'd think not being able to walk would give me optimum writing time, but rather I took the opportunity to lie around and not do anything... I had to cancel my work experience which is most definitely a sad time, as there was no way I could manoeuvre my way around London in the state I've been in.

I just thought I would let you all know that I am performing at Summer of Love and Music Festival this weekend thanks to my magical girlfriend. I'll be on the acoustic stage tomorrow afternoon. If anyone lives in the area it's only £20 for the whole weekend including camping and money goes to charity! Win. Or I think it's a tenner per day.

Also, me and Laura have begun work on our horror screen play. We've not written a screen play before so we're excited about what we might come up with. If anyone has any ideas they wanna throw at us, put them below =]

Just My Luck

2010-07-20T12:00:00.002+01:00

Saturday was Kaity's Mad Hatter's Tea Party. It was the most amazing party I have ever been to in my life. There was a piñata, bubbles, Twister, Jenga, sword fights, fancy dress, party hats, edible tea cups, a trampoline, poi, frisbee, some other ball type toy thing to throw, vodka jelly, bowls and Ring of Fire around a bon fire. As well as lots of booze. What more could anyone possibly ask for from a party?

How about a cake?

Anna spent ages making THE most amazing cake ever. I wish I had taken a picture from a different angle so you could see just how great this cake was.

At the end of the night some friends were leaving and after saying goodbye we remembered they had the only pack of Rizla. I was sent on a mission to catch up with them and ask for it before they left, so off I went, running down the garden.

It was dark and I couldn't really see.

I've only been to Anna's house a couple of times so I'm not exactly familiar with the place. There was a couple of steps at the end of the garden that I hadn't thought about and went flying to the ground. I lay there for a moment to gain my composure then attempted standing up to continue on my mission. I'm not a quitter and figured a bit of pain shouldn't stop me from doing anything...

How wrong I was...

Standing up most definitely was not happening. I lay there a little longer then started thinking about how stupid I had been. You see, about 5 minutes earlier when the friends I was chasing were leaving, one of them had in fact tripped down the step that had just taken me out. I was there. I watched her do it. And I laughed.

I only laughed because she was ok. If she was hurt it would have obviously been different. But there I was...

When I was sure I could gather myself, I stood up and hobbled to the living room. I lay down on the sofa and just rested for a bit. Thought about taking a nap to be honest... naps and water solve everything!

15 minutes later K and a couple of her friends appeared wondering where I'd disappeared off to. Then saw my ankle. It was gross.

Before letting them put an ice pack on it I felt the need to pause and take a picture. I hope you appreciate it!

I was lucky enough to be around awesome people, so I was well looked after. K's parents took me to the hospital the next day, so I got out of tidying... plus side?
It's a torn ligament, so if I keep off it for the week it should hopefully be ok. Just need to remember to not walk. This is something I have discovered is really hard work. I realised how much I hate people having to do things for me, it makes me feel so guilty! I hate feeling like a burden.

I was sat in the hospital with K's parents, in a wheel chair and was staring at my ankle. I was sure it wasn't broken, but nobody else was. The nurse sent me for an xray and whilst in the waiting room I started thinking about how funny it looked and how funny it would be if I had broken my ankle on K's 21st birthday. Now that is a lasting memory... I burst out laughing.
For ages.
In a silent room.
I just couldn't stop myself.

I've realised how much I take my body for granted. I don't appreciate how easy it is to be able to walk around and get yourself a drink when you get thirsty. I'm just going to be limping around for a week or two, this is some peoples life.

As you know, this week is the first week of work experience... I am however incapable of doing very much. I am gutted that I have to postpone it for a week as I have been so excited about it but on the bright side, I get an extra few days with K. I was supposed to be heading back to London for a month so we wouldn't be able to see as much of each other, but I couldn't get myself back home like this.

Wednesday is graduation so tonight we are heading back together so I have someone to help me. After graduation I will rest up the best I can all week to make sure Monday morning I can make my way to the office! It also means, I get a few days at home being looked after by my mum and catching up on things I could be doing. I'll just have to make sure I am on the ball when I get to the office on Monday to make up for being so clumsy. You always want to come across as amazing in these situations and make a good impression, I am worried that this ankle thing may damage that a little bit. Hopefully when they see how excited I am about writing and working with them, it'll give me bonus points to make up for not being able to walk.

Everything will be fine. And when I can walk again I'm going to make use of those legs of mine and be a little less lazy. She says...

I'm really lucky it wasn't worse and I'm really lucky it was at the end of the night. I got to spend the whole day playing! Well, a lot of the day was in the kitchen tidying up but I took on the job with pride. I imagine Anna and K spend just as much time if not more doing the same. If I ever make it as a writer I'll be sure to hire cleaners and caterers for K's party.... I'll just throw her one for shits and giggles. It can be an unbirthday party =p
I've become that person that always looks on the bright side. When did that happen? Blame K.

In Response to 'On Wearing Less'

2010-07-19T12:00:00.003+01:00

This is a response to my friend from Philosophia. Read his post On Wearing Less here.

I think there is something in the idea that nudity is treated as something to be ashamed of. As if the human form is some embarrassment to bare. By covering up and hiding bare skin from innocent eyes, a culture of shame is formed convincing people that there is something wrong with their bodies; something wrong with the bodies of other people. It is as though people shouldn't be comfortable in their own skin, that they need to hide behind their protective wall.

The idea of a carpet of shame and embarrassment around the human form isn't universal. This means it can't be something inbuilt in human beings but rather something created by our culture. If you look at tribal type communities, inhabitants wear minimal clothing. Women have their breasts out and nobody bats an eyelid.

Where has this come from? Why has society created taboo's around the subject. I'm not saying people should all walk around naked or anything, simply that nudity has certain connotations. It's seedy and dark, holding a negative banner over head, drawing in negativity. The only nudity we are offered is in a perverted form; think of boys mags for example. This perverted idea surrounding nudity forces people to think of it only as perverse rather than the simple state of nature that it is. We are animals. Like animals, we shouldn't be ashamed of ourselves and feel the need to hide. We shouldn't look upon the bodies of others and judge them.

I can't imagine a dog walking round in a pair of trousers looking down on the dog going commando...

By only being given an airbrushed picture of perfect naked bodies we are convinced that we ourselves are flawed. That our imperfections make us ugly and we should hide our bodies away unless we can match such beauty. We are regulated by taboo and made to feel bad about ourselves and look down on others. In America everything is even more regulated than it is over here, but it's all the same thing. It has reached the point where something as natural as breastfeeding is condemned as a private activity that should be hidden behind closed doors.

I'm not calling for a revolution. This isn't me saying, let's all walk around starkers. This is me saying we don't need to be embarrassed of being human. We all have skin. We do all look different, but only to a degree. By trying to prevent prudence and hide from shame, a culture of shame was born.

Gok has something good going with How To Look Good Naked showing people they can be comfortable in themselves.
This may be not so much a response to William than inspired by his post. A branch from the same tree so to speak. Let me know what you guys think on the topic and also go check out William's blog =]

Work Experience

2010-07-16T14:00:00.020+01:00

This one is just a quicky. Yesterday was Kaity's birthday and tomorrow we're having a Mad Hatter's Tea Party/BBQ and Bonfire. It should be amazing if the weather permits. If the weather hates us, we'll still have an amazing time, it'll just have to be in doors.

Monday is the first day of my work experience. I'm kind of excited to be doing something with myself. I enjoy having things to do and seem to create jobs for myself. Since finishing university I have made things for myself to do so I feel like I'm still achieving something and not just bumming around. Being me I've created never ending lists of things to get done and slacked on certain tasks, but I find the more I give myself to do, the more I'll get done. When I have less to do, it becomes impossible to even reach the simplest of goals.

I hope I learn lots at the Pink Paper and they get me writing articles. It'll be weird being in the office from 10-6 five days a week and is definitely something I'm not used to but it'll be ace. By the end of it I should know if this is something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life as I apply for that journalism course.

Wednesday is my graduation, which is a little daunting. I'm looking forward to seeing the other philosophers and a couple of my tutors. Over the last couple of years my personal tutor has been absolutely fantastic.

Atlantic Wolffish

2010-07-14T13:00:00.000+01:00

I came across this and just thought it was cool, so needed to be shared.

These fish can grow up to five feet long! Standing at 5'2" myself that's a little daunting, especially when I heard their teeth are strong enough to nom through my arm...

Check out the National Geographic Gallery to see more deep sea creatures.

Human Leather

2010-07-12T12:00:00.003+01:00

I came across a website selling products made from human skin thanks to the wonders of Facebook. Initially you think it has to be a joke, right? People aren't walking around wearing dead people, are they? But there are an elite few "who have everything they could possibly desire" and this company has snapped up their need to stand out and show off their wealth. They've given them something to spend their money on that very few people will have. Products sourced from the skin other people.

You can get your hands on a Human Leather Wallet from €9,000 (USD$14,000 approx) or if you're really splashing out, why not grab a pair of shoes from €18,000 (USD$27,000 approx)? Roll up, roll up, fresh out the morgue...

Obviously my initial response to this is "gross! What's wrong with people?" How is it someone has so much money that they don't know what to do with that they're willing to walk around in some dead guys back?

Then I began to wonder how they got hold of the dead people to use their skin in the first place, so I had a nose around the website. Apparently people "bequeathed their skin" to the company before they died. The families of the "donors" are apparently rewarded very handsomely, which I imagine means a big pay off. Surely something like this opens doors to killing off sick or unwanted family members for the "reward". It's like the whole organ donor argument as to whether they should be sold rather than donated. If people need money, what's stopping them from killing off people to sell their skin or heart or lungs?

But then there's the other side... poor people can make money out of their dead relatives. If they're dying anyway, it's not hurting anyone to take money from the very strange rich people wanting to turn them into belts and shoes... though it is somewhat disrespectful. Just like, if someone has good organs and their family has no money, you may as well sell them to save a few peoples lives as well as your families when you die. Surely we'd get a whole lot more organ donations if they were getting something out of it. People find the idea of their body being chopped up and spread between the bodies of other people creepy, but if they could help their families out they'd probably be more willing to save a few lives. Most of the time nobody cares about helping anyone if they can't get anything out of it.

For the record, I'm pretty sure I'm an organ donor and I'm not expecting monies out of it.

Of course, lives are saved through organ donation whereas all that's happening with skin donations is rich people get to feel like they're some sort of elite. Next step is stuffed human heads above the mantle piece in between the deer heads...

But why is wearing a person so different from wearing any other animal? What is it about human leather that makes us go "ew"? I imagine it's the same sort of notion as cannibalism. It's turning on one's own kind. It's this bright light illuminating the fact that nobody is safe. When someone is sat at a table eating a chicken, nobody thinks anything of it, because it's a chicken. But if they were eating your uncle that would be a different story. We have connections to other people. I imagine if someone was eating you dog you'd be pretty upset too. It's the emotional connections we have with things that stops us from thinking it's ok. From being able to stand objectively and say, it's just food and I need to eat. Or it's just shoes and I wanna protect my feet.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the matter. Both on human product as well as organ donation.

Self Worth

2010-07-09T16:54:00.000+01:00

Everybody wants to be loved. People want recognition for who they are and for their strengths. A lot of the time, if people feel as though they are not getting these things, they fall into themselves. They question their worth and their ability; question themselves. Ironically if you don't have faith in yourself it becomes difficult for other people to have any in you.

Modesty is drummed in as a virtue, when pride is seen as a vice. This confuses the situation; people proud of their accomplishments play them down to look modest. This makes others lose interest and almost agree that it's not a big deal or they see that you're wrong and lose respect for you. But of course, pride can be misconstrued as arrogance and piss people off so that doesn't do you any favours either.

So what is it people are supposed to do? What is the middle ground?

I imagine in most cases the answer is: lie.

Pretend that you think you're pretty. Pretend that you think you're skinny. Pretend that you think you're great.
Or vice versa, pretend you don't think you're that pretty or that great.

What good does lying to everyone do? Well, I'm not a self help guru. I can't help anyone out and I can't solve the worlds problems. But I have noticed that if you pretend you think you're pretty and you look comfortable in your skin people will warm to your confidence. It draws people in.

People love confidence and can't help themselves. But nobody is attracted to the fat kid pulling at his tummy. So maybe the answer is doubt silently and put on your game face when you're out and about. You'll get more friends, more work, more everything. Because those are the people that succeed in life. And heck, maybe if you lie to yourself enough, you'll start to believe it and sooner or later you will be comfortable in your own skin. Maybe if you play the game you'll get to win in the real world AND in your own head.

Nobody achieves anything sat around sulking.

You have to listen to your inner critic and instead of letting him beat you down into a dark room, prove the fucker wrong!

Underground Challenge: July 5th Recap

2010-07-07T17:13:00.002+01:00

Inspire a Stranger Day was on Monday! I apologise for not getting this up Monday night, but by the time we got in I was knackered. So this is an apology from two fronts, one for being slow and two for already failing to keep to my schedule. I have to admit, I saw that coming. But I will be sure to write at least two posts a week, just maybe not on strict days.

Anyway, staying on topic...

Monday was fantastic! A group of us went around London (mainly on the tube but the streets got some attention too) sparking up conversation with hundreds of commuters throughout the day. Four of us donned plain white tee's with 'Underground Challenge' and 'Inspire a Stranger' drawn on the fronts and backs. We had a basket filled with sweets to hand out to people as well as passing around cards saying things like "don't forget to smile" and "you're beautiful".

We also had a poet in our group handing out his poetry in envelopes to people. Peter started the day quite shy but as time went on we noticed a change in him which was nice, as he grew in confidence!

Most people were confused by us and kept trying to offer us money. I imagine if we accepted half the money we were offered we would have made back the groups train fare to London! Lots of people smiled with us and had a chat about how great they thought the idea was and how we brightened up there day. Some people pretended we didn't exist.

On the way back to Paddington Station I sat down next to a man with a newspaper. It was quitting time, we were tired. I decided to offer him a sweet anyway and we ended up talking all the way to my stop. He started off by not wanting a sweet but he did take a "smile" card which he promised to put on his desk at work the next day. He was telling me all the reasons people like the silence on the Underground and why Londoners don't talk to each other; a lot of which I could understand and agree with. But he kept talking to me, even though I was willing to sit back and let him read his paper! I think he was intrigued by the whole idea and kept asking questions and telling us that up North people talk to each other all the time. Finally, he took a sweet. I call that a victory.

In fact, the whole day was a victory!

We lost Danni and Jake on the tube as we jumped off and the doors closed before they made it. The carriage was full of school kids. Apparently they ate the rest of Danni's brownies! One kid saw "free hugs" written on the back of her tee and asked for one. Next thing she knows ALL of the little kids are hugging her! I wish we could have seen it! Better yet I wish Jake had a camera on him so we could all see it!

We got a few pictures through out the day but not too many. Peter had a camera but had to leave us for work so I was left using my phone. Nokia's are known for the camera skills... But here is an example of a happy commuter being fed =p

Quite a few people let us take pictures with them smiling away =] If you'd like to see those, head over to the Facebook Group!

You can also see a couple of photos other people took to show their contribution to the day!

Such as:

All the way from Porto, Portugal!

Hopefully other photos and videos come in so we can see what everyone else got up to! If you guys did anything on Monday and took a picture, please share it with us!

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO TOOK PART! IT WAS AN AMAZING DAY AND I LOOK FORWARD TO THE NEXT ONE!

Underground Challenge: July 5th

2010-07-02T15:29:00.000+01:00

Monday is our Inspire a Stranger day! This is what we've been preparing for. Cards have been handed out and left all over the place, videos have been made, pictures have been taken. Here comes the moment we've all been working so hard for. I hope to see lots of people taking part on the day, taking pictures or videos of themselves playing along so we've got some sort of documentation of our first run. The next one will be bigger and better of course, but we do already have over a thousand people involved via Facebook, plus anyone not on Facebook who we've spoken to and roped in.

This week has been push week so we've been promoting the challenge wherever we can. Hopefully get some media attention if we can. I want to see pictures and videos from you lot showing me what you got up to on the day! This is a community project, a world wide community. And where better than to share it, than the world wide web. The interweb is our portal; for everything. Let's make a change and most importantly let's have fun! Don't forget to smile!

Schedule

2010-06-30T12:00:00.001+01:00

I mentioned getting a regular schedule together on Sunday. I'd like to aim for Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday but I'm worried that four times a week will be a little much to keep up with along with everything else going on in my world. So I've decided to ween myself into a system instead of just throwing myself in at the deep end. I'm the sort of person who always aims for the stars, expecting to fall a little short. I figure if I aim high and miss my target, then I'll still have done pretty well. And I do normally do pretty well I guess, but I am always disappointed that I didn't make it to the stars. So maybe I should be sensible and aim for a little less now and then and when I get there - 'cause I will get there - I can raise the bar a little.

If I was training for high jump, I wouldn't go straight to the Olympics and stick the bar at 3 meters now would I?

The idea of lowering my expectations of myself almost feels like a kick in the teeth though. Why can't I do everything? What is this thing called 'time restraint'? Why can't I bloody well fly?

I imagine this is something a lot of people have to deal with. Let me know I'm not alone...

So the schedule I'm aiming for is going to be Monday and Friday every week and then Wednesday and Sunday if I'm feeling inspired. I imagine getting myself into a routine is good practice for when I'm a fully fledged member of the real world and have a job and stuff... Right?

Facing Anxiety

2010-06-28T11:38:00.000+01:00

Part of me feels like anxiety is almost a Western phenomenon facing modern man. This thought led me to a bit of research on the matter to see if I was at least close in my hypothesis. Turns out a study on the Ancient Peruvians found the stress hormone cortisol in their hair, so it's clearly something that has plagued humans for a very long time.

Check out Science Daily for the science part.

Maybe it's just a human thing, period. Our gift of rationality and thought allows us to develop and build and all the amazing things that come with our humanity, but it leaves us capable of worry and angst. Worry comes with over thinking and that is something humans do pretty well. From studying philosophy I have come to realise first hand that the more you think and try to understand the further into darkness you allow yourself to fall.

Now, this isn't me saying I'm depressed. I'm actually happy as Larry (whoever Larry is... never really understood why he's always been the measure of happiness, but heck if I'm going to take it away from him). When I found Kaity I got a few comments and messages pleading with me not to get all happy and ruin my blog, and part of me is a little worried that may have happened.

See, there is worry about everything, even happiness. But I wasn't unhappy before, just a lot more pessimistic I suppose. Kaity's optimism has rubbed off on me I guess but it means sometimes I don't see things how I saw them before, which probably means those comments predicted some sort of future.

I've always battled with anxiety, though it's more like anxiety has always kicked my arse. And I let it. It's easier to just freak out and cry than to deal with things sometimes. But sometimes you need to just man-up.

I wore a dress on Friday night. Out. I went out in a dress. I never wear dresses, 'cause I look ridiculous. Normally dresses make me anxious and want to throw up - anxiety always makes me want to throw up - but I let it go, or at least I pretended to let it go. The only way I have discovered to dealing with personal angst is to lie to myself in the hopes of believing the lie. I don't know if that's the best technique and I probably shouldn't recommend it to anyone, but it worked. I was out and I didn't throw up. I imagine you could probably still see the anxiety in my shoulders and arms, 'cause that's where it hangs out.

Tensed up, shoulders raised, fists clenched.

But fuck it, one step at a time. I danced the night away. It was my best mates 21st and we went to Proud Galleries in Camden. I'd only been there once before, for a fashion show Greg walked in for Your Eyes Lie, so I wasn't sure what to expect for the club night. It was the first time Kaity had been out clubbing with us in London and turns out, it was a good introduction. Kind of expensive, but if we got there earlier we would have got in for free. Keep that in mind in case you ever decide to go!

A Midsummer Feminists Party

2010-06-27T11:31:00.002+01:00

The Saturday before last some artsy friends of mine held a Midsummer Feminists Gig at Balham Bowling Green. There was food, drink, poetry, music, dance and even a fire place. So all in all a good night. The night was hosted by Catherine Brogan who had the audience giggling the night away talking about everything from how the toilets work to how a poem she wrote for my sisters night, Dyssing Monadys is now being used in schools to teach teachers about dyslexia (how amazing is that?)!

The night was a fundraiser for the London Feminist Conference.

As it turned out, there was no Northern line and I started my journey in Swindon... so me and K had to mission it with a bunch of change overs and overground trains to get there (late - though it wasn't on a real time schedule anyway) and meant we had to leave early, to get back to my house at the opposite end of London.

We spotted the big gates walking down the street and I remembered doing this journey once before, last year some time, when Cat held another poetry event there. I've been to a few arts events at squats around London, but I think this was K's first. As we passed through the gates we were greeted by a couple of feminists sat at a table looking for donations. Further down the path we found a sign and the entrance on to the green; a large space with a bonfire hole out in the middle and a table tennis table set up in front of the building. Of course, we were soon to have a game... How could we resist?

Because of the time constraints facing me, I could only see a few of the acts. This is definitely a sad time, as I missed lots of gold, but here are some highlights:

The Kitchen Quartet were definitely at the top of the list for me. As you can (just about) see from the picture, the quartet was a person down for the evening, but don't worry the three of them still kicked arse. Their quirky style of new arrangements made from old songs were fantastic.

Sabrina Mahfouz was absolutely amazing as usual, performing a bunch of new material she tested out on us as well as the Red Riding Hood poem that won her the Lyrical Challenge the month I took part.

Camila Fiori was another highlight, performing a poem in maybe five different languages. I'm pretty sure I spotted French, Italian, Spanish and English as well as maybe something else... unfortunately my language skills aren't nearly as amazing but I feel a little inspired to try to write my own bilingual poem. I may as well make use of being able to speak Greek!

I've been a very busy bee this week but I'm going to make a point of blogging regularly. I have to do an Interview for the journalism course I'm applying to, so will be talking to The Dead Lay Waiting this week thanks to the lovely wife. She's a music promotor and is using her magic powers for good i.e. to help me out.

Underground Challenge: Promo Video

2010-06-20T12:48:00.000+01:00

The Underground Challenge Promo Vid is live!

Check out the group and the video and help us spread the word. Not long left until our Inspire a Stranger day on July 5th so help us get as many people on board as possible!

Also, let me know what you think about the video!

Sorry posts are scarce at the moment... I'll give you a proper one soon!

Download 2010

2010-06-09T09:05:00.000+01:00

I am off to Download Festival! This is the 4th year in a row me and my lot have hit Download. There aren't really that many bands playing this that I'm overly excited about, but today I found out that Hearts Under Fire will be playing on the Sunday, so I am very excited.

I have been a HUF fan since their very first demo hit Myspace, way back when. I still sing along to the acoustic version of Spitting Glass now and then, holding the title of one-of-my-favourite-songs. Admittedly since lead singer Sian left the band they haven't held as much of my attention. But on hearing they were going to be at Download I bought their new EP off iTunes last night and tried to learn the words.

I don't have much time to give you a big long post on my excitement about my adventures, but on my return I shall fill you in.

See you in a week!

I'm Allowed To Read!

2010-06-06T09:55:00.002+01:00

The above statement may seem somewhat bizarre to a few eyes at least, but the point being that I have now finished my degree! The last exam is over and done with and I just need to sort graduation and stuff out. But the most exciting thing, is that I am now allowed to read! I've been avoiding reading for pleasure too much over the last three years (excluding summers) because I'd feel guilty for reading something that wasn't philosophy, but now I can read whatever I like and not have that guilt of procrastination follow each page.

On Friday I picked up 1984 off my shelf, which has been sat in wait for me for a few months now. I need a big train to get to the girlfriend, so used the journey as reading time... it felt great. I must sound like a massive dork with all this excitement about reading, but I'm just going to add to that impression and tell you on Friday, whilst packing for Download with my best friend, this reading thought occurred to me. I leapt up onto my bed and pulled a book off my bookshelf (1984) then - full of enthusiasm - my best friend and I high fived being allowed to read.

This is one of those books that you're meant to have read, so it's about time I got round to it really.

I'll let you know what I think when I'm done =] Ooh, I just realised I never got back to you about that Hector's Journey book about happiness... I'll tell you now it was amazing. I got distracted by revision and life but I'll try to give you a brief review if I can at some point.

Sorry this is such a brief post, but I am off to a wedding today and have to leave the house in seven minutes apparently.

Here Comes The Count Down

2010-06-01T18:56:00.003+01:00

In about 19 hours I will be done. I will have walked out of the door of my final exam and be free to play at being a grown up and existing with out the massive safety net that education provides. While I was in school I was guided and protected from what it is to exist in the real world. Living alone and paying bills whilst at university has left me with a vague impression of it but it's skewed. In about 19 hours university will be over and (on the theory I did well and don't have to re-sit anything) I will be left stood at the foot of a mountain with just the few tools I was handed along the way. I'd been walking with a guide up a hill for years and I was under the illusion that it would be consistent throughout, but then the hill got a little steeper and a little steeper until here I am facing the biggest challenge I've yet to come up against and my guide is walking back down the hill to pick up other travellers.

Ok, so this analogy is a little long winded, but you get the idea. I have been sat in the library revising for the last six and a half hours, in which time I have concluded that I really dislike epistemology and though I was aiming for 3-4 different topics I seem to just have one huge all encompassing one going on, which is a little scary, but the other philosophers I've spoken to seem to be in the same position.

I was studying hard up until my black pen ran out. Note taking without a pen is kinda difficult believe it or not... I was writing in pink and red for a while, but all the notes being in pink and red isn't so great so I stopped and started reading. I've been debating whether I should go to the shop and buy a new pen or just go home... so far sitting here is winning.

I have work experience sorted for a month with Pink Paper in the summer, which should be fantastic. Hopefully they let me write some things... I did work experience with them when I finished my first year for just a couple of weeks and they invited me back. They let me write an article and review Reading Pride which was awesome, and I'm hardly going to refuse their offer to return!

There is this journalism course I want to get on as well, to start in January. I've got the forms ready to apply, but it's still too soon. The next course runs in July, so I'll wait for the first deadline to pass! If I apply quickly, hopefully I'll get some points...

I'm also looking at a media internship with the Green Party, which looks amazing. I couldn't find anywhere on their website that made applying for that simple so I've emailed a couple of email addresses I found in the hopes of a response... if I fail to hear back from them, maybe I should give them a call.

There is so much I want to do and I'm excited to be able to start my life, 'cause up until now it has kinda been on hold. This will be the first time I'm not in education, 'cause I never took a gap year. I now have time to get on with all my different projects; to dedicate time to my poetry - to my writing. To really get on promoting the Underground Challenge.

There is of course a pitfall in my master plan here and that is my lack of funds. I can afford the journalism course, after saving up for it this year, but that's about it. I need to find myself a part time job to work around my busy schedule up until I start the course in Jan to fund my life a little bit, other wise I'm screwed. Hopefully after the course I will find myself a writing job on a magazine somewhere, that would be ideal. Maybe a travel magazine, that'll send me all over the world to review planes and hotels.... Haha it might be a dream, but it's a plausible one.

Now, I suppose I may as well return to perception and the sources of knowledge... as well as induction of course, 'cause everything just comes back to induction.

Ooh ooh, before I go I'd like to leave you with something interesting I learnt in my revision yesterday. The word 'testimony' comes from the Greek word 'testis' and it would literally mean to swear on ones testicles... that would be a sign a person wasn't lying! Well, it made me laugh so I hope it at least put a smile on some of your faces.

The Underground Challenge: Part 7 VIDEO

2010-05-28T23:19:00.008+01:00

I uploaded a video to my YouTube account as I had up until now failed to inform them of our mission. Please help me spread the word!

Join the group here

On Death, Descartes and Exam Times

2010-05-19T22:41:00.003+01:00

My Modern exam is on Friday so I have been sat here attempting revision.

I took this picture before my Religion exam the other day. Sat getting those last-minute moments of greatness when I figured if I didn't know it by now, a last stab wasn't going to change anything. Luckily, it was Religion and I love the subject so it all went pretty well I guess. The best so far.

I've gone for colour co-ordinating stuff this year, in the hopes of my brain being able to store things better. I think it's working.

In yesterdays Phenomenology exam I was writing about Heidegger and Being-towards-death which hit a nerve a bit. On the way home my bus stopped for an unusual length of time at a bus stop with one of those 'don't let your friendship die on the road' posters, which made me think about Carrie and Chelsea (the friends hit by a car on Jan 1st) and remind me how much I hate the world sometimes. It's unfair and cruel and I have no idea how people are meant to deal with it. Heidegger said something along the lines of death being the one thing we're always moving towards but can never understand. It's the only thing we cannot understand through somebody else's experience; someone else dying doesn't help me understand what death is. It's this abstract idea that we're constantly surrounded by but will never get our heads around.

Theists posit ideas of an Afterlife. I imagine theories on what happens next were created to make the whole process seem less scary. It means the end doesn't have to be an end. It means when you lose someone they don't have to be gone. It offers peace of mind to some degree.

Let's take the resurrection approach to an Afterlife: On the last day we are all brought back. Our bodies are resurrected and continue in an afterlife with a god or something. For materialists all we are, are our bodies. There is no soul. So for a resurrection to be possible our bodies would have to remain in tact. Van Wagenen said only those whose bodies were not destroyed would make it; this implies our ancestors wont. Humans decompose, everything does; that's how it works. Chances are on this version, we wont make it either...

Then he offered some crazy theory of God in his omnipotence storing the dead bodies in a magical freezer until it was time but replacing the bodies with look a likes so nobody got suspicious. Obviously for a materialist the Afterlife, though not impossible, seems unlikely.

Then there is more of a common idea on the matter that we all have souls and when we die these immaterial entities rise up from our bodies and head to paradise. This makes an Afterlife more plausible; if you believe in the soul.

I remember when I believed in all this. I remember thinking that maybe Heaven was different for everyone and that it didn't matter what you believed, 'cause it would be moulded around that. Different religions weren't in conflict and everyone would get a happy ending. Looking back I can't help but think I was a little naive.

But then people die. And people start talking about them watching over you and waiting for you and being happy and all this stuff that I can't relate to. I hold my tongue out of respect, because why the fuck should I try to take the little bit of comfort they get from such ideas because I'm sceptical. I don't think we could possibly know anything about any sort of supernatural or any immaterial existence or being based on our material, natural existences.

Maybe there is something, but theists all fall in their theories in my opinion. Mostly because they think they have the answer before they begin. The answer is always God. They then commence to prove why they are right. They're not looking for what the answer could be because if it's anything other than what they want it to be they don't want to know.

I'm agnostic about it all.

There are so many different theories and gods and rules that all came about to suit the time they are found in. Religion offers people what they need. Take the ancient religions for example, they offered answers that science hadn't found yet. They were replaced by an all powerful being, because it sounded scarier and followers of the old religions converted just incase this new angry, jealous god took vengeance on them for believing in the lesser gods.

None of this matters right now though, 'cause I'm looking at Descartes. He feigned scepticism to break down everything we know just so he could build it all back up again and prove that there must be a god. The God. But it's like he gave up. In fact, it's like he never even tried. All he wanted was to show there had to be God and there had to be a physical world, so when he got to the part about explaining how we know anything he rested it all on the fact that God wouldn't lie to us.

But I realise, instead of getting angry at him I should just make notes and move onto Spinoza and Hume, 'cause regardless of any of this, I have an exam on Friday. I have three exams left before I finish. I have been working towards this for such a long time that I shouldn't just give up in the last leg. The world around me is a reminder than none of this matters much in the grand scheme of things, but it used to matter so much. £20K in debt or however much it is, shouldn't be in vein. I guess. And I'd be so disappointed in myself if I didn't do what I should be capable of doing. So I'm going to push for the last couple of weeks until it's over and I have to start working out what to do next.

Socrates constantly echoes in my ears reminding me the only thing I know is that I don't know anything.

Oh and to the guys who's blogs I've not checked out in a while, I apologise! I have a lot to catch up on when all this revision and such is over with!

The Underground Challenge: Part 6

2010-05-19T00:52:00.006+01:00

We bombarded people with a white board and took a load of pictures for the challenge group and the video we are putting together, so i'm just going to share a few of those with you guys =]

Also, I headed out around London and distributed some of the business cards to friends and strangers in an attempt to spread the word about our challenge! The cards were left all over the place, starting with my train back to London >>

We will be putting all the videos and photos and stuff together this week so to see more either check out the Facebook Group or wait for the video! By we I mostly mean a Mr Gregory Gaige who I have delegated the task to while I study. If you still want to get involved there is still a chance (if you are mega quick) to email a photo or video to UGChallenge@gmail.com this week.

On my way home from taking photos I was stopped by two boys wanting me to take their picture ('cause I had the DSLR around my neck) so I told them the condition was to hold the cards and look up the group on Facebook. When I told them the idea was that they had to talk to strangers they got really excited and pointed out that they were already doing that, when they spoke to me.

The Underground Challenge: Part 5

2010-05-13T14:09:00.001+01:00

We're putting together a video to gain some exposure for The Underground Challenge!

You should all know all about it by now, but if not be sure to click that link and get involved!

If you want to get involved in the video send us a clip or a photo of you and/or your mates. We're looking for a variety of things so be creative!!
Need an idea?? How about:

Holding a sign saying something along the lines of 'underground challenge' or 'get involved' or 'smile' or something...

Being creative on some form of public transport.

Out and about on the streets.

Your grandparents.

Your pets.

Trying to get as many artists/musicians as we can involved too... obviously we'd put your name and myspace or whatever with the video!

The deadline for this is THIS Saturday 15th. I know it's not long, but we wanna make the vid as soon as we can and get it out there!

When you've put together some gold to share with us and inspire someone, email it over to me at UGChallenge@gmail.com

I'm Pretty Lucky

2010-05-11T13:25:00.006+01:00

I've noticed a lot of people phase through friends and by the time they're my age would have had 20 different best friends, none of which they really talk to anymore. They call it growing up and I've spent my life being told that friends grow apart and I shouldn't let myself get too attached. That these people don't really care about me and will split if I ever need them so I shouldn't do everything in my power to help them when they're the ones in need.

Being told this all the time has scared the hell out of me, because I have some of the best friends a girl could ever have, most of which have been the same best friends I've had for years. I not only have one amazing best mate, who'd I'd trust with my life, but I have a few. A few amazing people that I get to be myself with and I love more than the world.

When we finished school we all went out to celebrate. At one point in the night Greg said something along the lines of 'this will be the last picture we ever take as a group' lifting his camera into the air. And that was it. I was off. I spent the next hour (or so) crying my eyes out, screaming that we would never see each other again and we'd all lose touch. This was because we were all going away to university (apart from Greg who went straight into the being a grown up thing). Now I was drunk and so were they, so they mostly laughed at me and took pictures and told me not to be silly, 'cause of course we'd keep each other. I was melodramatic enough in my tears to have got one of my friends to start crying with me, but let's face it, Si will cry at anything =p

3 years later and these people are still my best friends and I still love them and talk to them. I don't talk to all of them as much as I'd like, but when we do talk it's like we've never been apart - that's how it should be with friends. We just carry on from where we last left off. But now I am coming to the end of university, as are a couple of the others and I'm faced with the same fears that were instilled in me as an 18 year old finishing school. In this time I have gained an extra best friend, as well as a SuperFriend from uni.

I was told that the friends you make in school disappear but the ones you make at uni last forever. So either I'm really lucky or they all just did it wrong, 'cause I plan to keep the friends I made at school forever. Though I have a pseudo adoption going on with my SuperFriend and her family, so I plan to keep her too as well as the extra best mate I collected along the way who is tattooed onto my arm.

This is a lot of people to have so close. I think most people don't really understand it and that is because they don't have it. I guess it's the same as how people don't understand those in-love when they haven't been in-love. Humans can only ever really know what they've experienced.

To be honest, I don't really like 'people' very often so don't make much effort with the rest of the world, 'cause in general people suck. But it means I'm free to put all my efforts into this lot. And I miss them all so very much (even though I do at least get to see Greg all the time as we live so close this year) and hope that we can have lots of us time when we are all free.

But see, this is that growing up moment for a few more of us now and there are so many things I want to do with myself; with my life. I want to move as I am currently back at my parents and my sister will be moving back in whilst she rents her house out to raise funds, 'cause artists never make a grown up wage but their art is always more important. I want to do internships and volunteer and save the world whilst racking up experience points to apply to this journalism course I've got my eye on. I want to spend time with my beautiful girlfriend who I love and who plays make believe with me, 'cause she's still a kid inside too. She's perfect (though writing that down on such a public forum makes me feel a little silly, if I'm honest). I want to travel and to actually do things, 'cause I've done hardly anything at all.

But how on Earth do I find time to do all these things and keep my friends who will all also be off doing the grown up thing? I am terrified of ever losing them, because they mean the world to me and I'm often nostalgic for the days we've spent together. These people are my rock(s) and without them I couldn't survive.

So here I am; sat attempting to study for Friday's exam but all I can think about is how much I miss them. I have been in hiding from the world for a really long time only letting a few people in and the best ones all being their own amount of busy, but we're coming up to summer and I would really like, before we all fuck off and do our own things to have some best times. Because I am one of the luckiest peoples in the world to have them.

This is my family.

To Live By A Theme

2010-05-08T15:46:00.000+01:00

Sat waiting for Nightmare on Elm Street to begin in the cinema last night (I may give you a review of it later if you're lucky), I was telling my friend about my trip to the Disney Store the other day, where I came across some amazing trainers. They went up to size 3-4 and were only £10 so I figured seeing as I am a size 4 and they were so damn cool I would have to get myself a pair. I do love being small and fitting into children's shoes

This was when she told me this theory of hers she'd been thinking about. She told me that live my life by a theme and I'm like the only person she knows who does. I thought about this a little then asked her what she meant. Theme of My Life: MAGIC.

Haha what an amazing thing for someone to say. Obviously an amazing theme to live by too... I don't think I've ever really thought about it before and if asked I imagine my answer would have been 'childhood' or something but 'magic' is so very much cooler.

So let's recap.

I have faeries tattooed down my back. I now have them all the way down, but I didn't have a decent picture of all of them, so this old one with just the first faerie will have to do.
This is in the theme of magic I guess =]
Plus the two tattoos I've already shared with you of SuperMe and of the DrinkMe Bottle, which should both count as part of this magical theme.

Then there is my poetry, a lot of which falls under the magical banner along with my stage name SuperPennie.

So instead of me going through all the magical aspects of my themed life, which I imagine would be somewhat tiresome, I am going to ask you all to contribute your own themed lives.
Do you have a theme to which you live by? What is it? How so?

British Politics

2010-05-07T19:49:00.005+01:00

It's all a bit of a mess really, isn't it? Democracy isn't something we quite have our heads around and organisation is something we fail at. Following rules isn't something we're very good at either and those with power tend to make it all up as they go along. To anyone who doesn't know, yesterday was the day Britain attempted to vote for a government. Some people were sent the wrong polling cards. Some were sent away and told to come back later. Students in some places were put into a slow line whilst everyone else was fast tracked. Some places ran out of voting slips. I'm sure there were other signs of us crumbling to this failed attempt at change, but I can't remember and I'm in a rush so not going to look them up.

This is just a short post to voice my disappointment I guess.

I was thinking about all the tactical voting that goes on and how a lot of the time people vote for someone they doesn't want just so someone they want less don't win. People see voting for smaller parties as wasted votes. And some people don't even bother getting up to vote at all. This is all very disappointing. I think the polls leading up to the election are a bad idea. They give people an idea of how to go about voting tactically because they can see what things look like. Perhaps if these didn't exist, tactical voting would lessen and more people would vote for who they really want to see running things. Maybe the smaller parties would have a chance instead of it always being between the reds and the blues.

So now we're looking at a hung parliament and everyone is throwing in their two cents about what it all means. I don't know nearly enough about anything to really talk politics at you, so I'm not going to. Just sharing an observation that was grating at me a bit.

We have 5 years to discover what all this really means. Hopefully next time round we are all at least given the chance to actually vote.
You can see the full results here.

I hear the Torys and Lib Dems are going to maybe join forces to govern. Who knows, maybe this will actually work...

Names, Reference and God

2010-05-06T19:31:00.003+01:00

After getting up to vote this morning (I could discuss the UK elections but my brain isn't currently up to such a task), which I hope any Brits reading this would have done too, I headed to the library for a revision day. I've lost lots of revisions days thanks to one reason or another so am swiftly running out of time before my first exam Monday. But all will be ok... She says, in a non-commital tone...

I had a revision day yesterday with a few philosophers, which left me feeling as though I'm lacking. I adopted a new revision technique (kinda) and a gauge of where I should be and how far I have to go; however nauseating, did give me some direction. So today I rocked up to the library, armed with some felt tips and coloured paper to tackle reference.

What is it about a name that allows us to talk about something? If I'm talking to you about 'Plato' how is it we both know who I'm talking about?

This was more or less my day (up until 4pm): following an argument through and realising the complexities of language. I now know that just 'cause something means the same thing it can't just be interchangeable.

Pennie Varvarides = SuperPennie

Pennie Varvarides = Pennie Varvarides

Well, we can't just substitute one out for the other or we'd lose meaning. We don't gain anything from the second statement so it has to be something deeper.

I have thought about attempting to go into what I covered today properly, partly as it'll help towards my revision and partly 'cause it's kinda interesting. Only, I doubt that all that many of you want to be reading a philosophy essay (though I know there are in fact a few). So instead, if any philosophers have anything to say about name and reference or about Mill, Russell, Frege or Kripke please, leave a comment.

On taking a break from Logic and Metaphysics (which is Mondays exam) I met with a friend to discuss religion. We got side tracked a lot and I discovered one of our class mates actually found God so to speak, when most of us in studying the subject went the other way. This made me think, maybe there's something I missed. Maybe one day I'll work out what that was...

We tried to work through the design argument and pretty much concluded that theists make up a few dodgy arguments and assume it implies some omniscient being when really all it does is show humans like to make inferences.

Paley uses the example of a watch and the watchmaker to claim that the universe is the same. That because we wouldn't look at the intricate mechanics of a watch and not assume it had a creator so why look at the world and think it sprung up all on it's own. Only mechanics and nature are as different as can be, so why should they fall to the same rules?

Anyway, I just thought I'd share my day and leave you all something to think about. Feel free to share your thoughts on names or God or whatever in the comment section below; I'd love to know what you think.

I'm currently sat outside the library enjoying the cold air and waiting for rush hour to end so I don't need to squish into a metal tube with too many other people. I like my space.

Ooh talking about the underground, I've handed out a few more business cards today and gave my friends some to pass on! The group is growing faster with each day =] Be sure to get involved!

The Underground Challenge: Part 4

2010-05-05T11:10:00.001+01:00

We've had business cards made up and they arrived this morning. They look pretty lush if I do say so myself.

I'll start passing them out around London today and hopefully get more people involved! The group is slowly growing, which is nice to see but I can't deny I'd prefer if it grew a little faster!

So if you haven't already hit up the UndergroundChallenge on Facebook and pass it on! You don't need to be in London to play, you can join in wherever you are.

Goodbye Safety Net; Hello World

2010-05-03T19:51:00.001+01:00

I have one month left; one. That's a month of exams that I am underprepared for and terrified of sitting. That's one month of living off a student loan and being an unemployed student. That's one month to determine where my world goes next.

Needless to say, I'm somewhat scared about having to take on the role of 'grown up'. Life is just a series of playing different parts; taking on new personas. We're all on some sort of journey in the process and I guess everyone takes their own, but I feel like mine is about finding out who I am and what it means to be. Not what it is to be me, but to be. Period.

Everyone has goals in mind for what they want their lives to be - or what they think it should be. Theres the capitalist ideology of getting a big house, full of nice things and all the bling to let everyone know you made it. But this has most people falling into debt to try to secure. There's the got-to-have-a-family ideology, where people end up settling too soon. There are people trying to find love or God or excitement. Everyone has something they are after. There's a link to most of them though; happiness.

People think happiness is the goal. They're trying to achieve things they think will make them happy. The only problem is, most of the time as soon as we hit our target we soon discover it wasn't good enough; we need to aim higher. We're a greedy species really. Though maybe that's not completely true. Some people find contentment despite the pressures of their surrounding societies. That's what I'm after; contentment. Fuck knows where you find it though.

So here I stand, approaching the end of university and now I have some decisions to make. I need to work out what is 'best' for me. Which direction it is I 'need' to take. Which goals I need to aim for. But how can I possibly know what it is I need to do to understand life? All I want is some sort of understanding; some wisdom. And I know that as it stands I don't know anything. The more I understand, the more I realise I don't know a thing. This understanding is depressing. But even so, I'd rather know than be blissfully unaware, as I once was. As much as I hate the nausea I still feel as though I'm better for having got this far.

Part of me wants to just believe something, even if it's the wrong 'something'. It's the part of me that thinks I wont ever really know anything but so long as I believe something, I'll find a contentment in my discovery. Only the rest of me thinks believing the wrong thing is worse than not believing in anything and I should put up with the nausea until it can be properly over come.

So I'm at a loss.

But I will read. And explore. And hopefully understand a little more everyday - both about myself but also about everyone else. About being and existence and life and death and maybe on this journey I'll just discover that I've been wasting my time looking for the wrong thing, but at least I'd have been looking.

I started reading a book today. I was stood at the train station with a half hour wait until my train arrives plus a two and a half hour journey back home so stood in front of the books in Smiths scanning. Out of the corner of my eye was a bright blue one with clouds on it. At this moment I decided that would be the book. Before knowing anything about it - before even reading the title. Maybe that's a stupid way to pick books, but heck it worked out well.

It's called Hector and the Search For Happiness. It's written like a kids book but it's a grown up theme. It's definitely a PennieBook. It even starts 'Once upon a time...'

I'm just over half way through by the time I get home and I'm loving it. I'll share whatever I learn with you when I finish it.

The internet where I am has been rubbish - so by the time I've posted this it's technically tomorrow...

SpeechMotion

2010-04-28T18:08:00.001+01:00

I was travelling around yesterday and had a couple hours to kill so sat at The Horse and Groom faffing on the internet until the night begun. I tried to write a blog in that time, but Blogger was playing up and wouldn't let me sign in or see any 'post new' type buttons. I even took a photo of me sat in the pub reading to use any everything and even though I am now at home sat on my bed I'm going to share it with you anyway...

Uploading that, I realise why Blogger was playing up... They've updated bits (like the image uploader). For this I shall forgive them.

At last night's SpeechMotion we had a variety of stuff as always. Thanks to the volcano our feature performer was stuck in Turkey or something so we had to find a short notice replacement. Luckily MC Angel stepped in =]

She performed a bunch of new stuff and ended with a freestyle which was incredible. The audience threw a bunch of words at her and she just went for it. Also, I've mentioned it before but I'll say it again, she runs a night in East London called Lyrically Challenged which you all need to check out. There are updates on it via her Facebook, so go have a look see.

Charlie Dupré came down and did a bit of open mic. He performed Not Thinking, which can be found on his Myspace. He will be a programmed guest next month and was just checking the night out. Having two MCs in the same night made me happy, I do enjoy when rappers do poetry!

Also got a YouTube friend turn up! Peter, also known as Nordicsky on YT turned up to show his support and got so into the night even read a couple of poems for us in the open mic!

I read three new poems never before performed, which went down well. I'll video at least one of them soon and post them up. I didn't memorise them this time as I didn't want to waste valuable memory space on poetry when it should be storing philosophy at the moment.

It was fantastic and you should all go check out msft on Facebook for future stuff or you can hit up the website

Before I sign off on this one I'd like to say that the random girl I met on the tube all that time ago - the one who was coughing and I gave water too - turned up last night with a mate. How funny is that? She actually turned up!

On that note, don't forget to join the Underground Challenge group! It's growing; slowly.

Truth and Identity

2010-04-26T18:57:00.003+01:00

Not to get your hopes up or anything, this post wont be nearly as deep and thoughtful as the title may lead you to believe. That's what I've been revising today for my logic and metaphysics exam... but I got bored so decided to bleach my teeth and write a blog post instead =]

Instead of discussing what I've been reading with you on the likes of Stanford Encyclopaedia and stuff, I'll tell you about my weekend! Haha, ok maybe that isn't nearly as interesting; maybe it's more so. Who knows?

On Friday I got a new tattoo!

Me and my girlfriend planned to get tattoos together, me the 'drink me' bottle from Alice in Wonderland and her an 'eat me' cake. It didn't quite work out as planned thanks to Boots refusing to sell me numbing cream, which apparently is on prescription only or something silly so I just got mine done and K's going to wait until we can get some of the cream from online instead.

It's on my outer right thigh and is lush.

We like Alice in Wonderland =] Though I realise that now that the new movie has come out it's going to seem as though we're just bumming Johnny Depp or something but never mind. I know I've loved the book since I was tiny so I don't care much for what anyone else thinks.

On Saturday me and K went to Cotswold wildlife park, 'cause I said I'd never been to one before. We went with her parents and it was definitely an amazing day! I learnt that penguins are absolutely fantastic and bats are fucking cool. Apart from me ignoring the fact that I get motion sick and getting on the little train which took us around a section of the park, thus leading to me feeling sick beyond even throwing up, I had mass amounts of fun!

My best mate asked me to photograph a giraffe for her, but they didn't have any. I did however find a massive JCB, which I took a photo of instead knowing she'd appreciate it. As it turns out the JCB was there to make the new giraffe bit! How funny is that? I'll have to go back when it's finished to take a photo of the new giraffes.

Here's the picture for anyone who cares >>

Now I guess I should get back to revising all this philosophy stuff. Just over a month left then that's it, I'm a grown up! Well, kinda. It's a scary time, but I seem to be ignoring it fairly well...

I'll leave you with some pictures:

The Underground Challenge: Part 3

2010-04-19T17:16:00.001+01:00

Hey hey!

So I've made the group on Facebook. Everyone join up!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=111209162246211

Invite everyone along!

It would be amazing if we could get as many people involved as possible!

Real blog post up soon =]

The Underground Challenge: Part 2

2010-04-13T04:14:00.000+01:00

I started writing about my evenings of essays; tedious battles with Marx, Aristotle, Plato and Socrates whilst putting off sleep to maximise productivity. But I figured me winging about university isn't all that interesting to anybody. The only reason I felt like sharing was because I was proud of myself for staying focused and stuff.

So, let's move on...

My last blog post (the one about the girl on the underground) sparked conversation with a bunch of different friends. One friend was made irate by a rude woman on the tube, which led to her suggesting I cover the underground with posters that teach Londoners how to be polite. This actually sounds like a promising project. I'll work out the logistics and document it if I decide to do it. It could be a pretty cool art project, maybe even convince a few moody London types to perk up a bit.

Oh gosh!

I think my sister actually did this when she was at art school! She made that glue-paste gunk, as in the kind you use to paper mache things (you know, like when you'd blow up a balloon and paper mache the outside before popping the balloon and hollowing it out, remember? Then you'd paint it or something and feel all arty 'cause you were making a mess...) and used it to paste A4 pieces of paper with things like "smile"printed on them all over the place. I think she may well have got in trouble for fly posting! However, this was years ago, so my memories might be wobbly...Confirmation is in order. Also, I'm pretty sure she carried a video camera around with her to film commuters reactions to her holding up signs. If this really happened and I'm not just making up memories, I think that's a little bit amazing.

I will ask her.

Another suggestion following that blog came from the lovely girlfriend who decided we should create a Facebook event, where just for the day, Londoners talk to each other on public transport instead of sitting in the usual silence. Try and convince people to just be nice to each other; it's only for a day! So this is something I will get onto organising too. Make sure you play along! This is part of my underground challenge! We're going to choose a day in the summer so people have notice to hopefully spread the word! I'll give you lot the link to the Facebook event as soon as we've sorted it; be sure to participate! And to invite all your friends. And tell them to do the same!

Maybe the person you decide to help out or just to talk to will be your next best friend... maybe even turn out to be your one true love! And ok, maybe those are far fetched possibilities but fairytales are always far fetched and they always turn out alright... Well, by 'alright' I mean the flowered up fairytales that were twisted by the likes of Disney and such are always spun to have one of those unrealistic happy endings we all pretend we're after but are terrified of finding. We're all terrified of making contact with anyone, in case they think we're weird or creepy or something. We can't allow anyone to know we love them more than they love us, so we close ourselves off. We try and stay as far away from other human beings as possible, but during certain times of the day riding public transport means you're going to touch people. And not just the occasional brush past someone, but leaning, pushing and grabbing are all going on all over your personal space. This makes us uncomfortable, so we ignore it's happening and in ignoring the closeness of the people surrounding you as you all cram into a metal tin, silence falls over you. Because it would be too weird if that guy pushed up against you started talking, or if that woman that just fell into your boobs then asked you about your day.

But sometimes, I think you just have to take a leap. If you spend all your time avoiding making contact out of fear, you'll miss a lot of amazing people. And ok, it's not like the tube is an optimum friend making situation and you might be a whole lot better at it out and about or something, but if you live your whole life in your comfort zone is that a bit of a waste?

So prepare yourselves for TalkToAStrangerDay (that can just be what I'm calling it for now) and let me know about your adventures! I'd love to know how you all get on.

The Underground Challenge

2010-04-07T16:00:00.002+01:00

Londoners rarely talk to each other (unless they're drunk or something), we're normally storming through crowds or sitting in silence on public transport. Whenever friends of mine from out of London come to visit they find the tube seriously bizarre. All these people, sat in a room together in complete silence for anything up to about 2 hours or so depending on how far you have to go.

The other day my best friend wrote a blog about imagining the lives of people he could see on public transport; whisking them off to fantasy destinations and building up entire stories they might just fall in to. Well, yesterday I went a step further and actually spoke to someone. Found out a bit of their story. Made contact.

I was sat in the corner, writing a poem in my note book (as you do) and the girl opposite me started coughing. It looked like she was in pain so I offered her my bottle of water. I hadn't touched it yet and she could clearly use it more than me, so instinctually pulled it out of my bag and handed it over. She seemed so grateful, like a ridiculous amount of grateful for an 80p bottle of water. Isn't that sad? We're conditioned to think the world is a pile of wank and people are all horrible, so if we ever come across random acts of kindness it throws us off. I didn't even do anything, but she was surprised anyone would step outside their own protective bubble to notice her. And she was thankful.

TubeGirl seemed to have friendly eyes (you know when you can tell if a person is going to be alright or if they're going to be a dick?) and I had just stuck a couple flyers for SpeechMotion into the poster holders over head so figured I'd offer her one and ask if she likes poetry.

Turns out I found a poet. Who's the same age as me and the same star sign, how weird is that? I handed over my notebook and she read the poem I had just written. It was my first attempt at a love poem. Being a love poem and me being me, I doubt it'll ever hit the interwebs but I've given it to the girlfriend. If she can inspire a love poem, I think she deserves a copy.

Before TubeGirl got off the train at Turnpike Lane, I gave her my Facebook name and a link to my YouTube account. Check me out, with the self promoting and stuff.

And guess what... When I got home she had actually added me. And had been watching my YouTube videos. Which I am definitely slacking on at the moment, but the last leg of uni combined with a girlfriend means I get less play time and haven't quite worked out time management yet. I have loads of new poems though, just need to do something with them. For my birthday, one of my friends bought me a lush notebook, which I think seems to be encouraging me to write far more than the PukkaPad I was carrying around before. Strangely.

So, the challenge part of this blog for the lot of you is to talk to a stranger. Or help someone out randomly. See if you make a new friend. You never know who you may find. People are too detached from one another, from themselves. Especially living in the city. Sometimes it's like we don't even exist in a big city like London. Surrounded by people, but no one can see you, because no one is looking.

UPDATE: There's a FB Group for the challenge

Stolen Minutes

2010-04-06T16:00:00.004+01:00

(This is my study face)

I am down to my last week before I reach my presubmission deadline. 9 essays due in on Monday 12th (it's currently Tues 6th for anyone wondering and too lazy to look). This is pretty scary, but I definitely feel as though it's an actual possibility. I came into uni this morning to have a one on one with the dyslexia tutor man, who helped me come up with an action plan and split my time up. I felt really anxious and sick when I realised how much time I had left last night, but I'm feeling ok today. Let's hope it lasts long enough (at least the week, come on!) for me to get all this work done...

Now, I've not written a blog for a while and since my last entry quite a bit has happened that I want to talk about with you. All these things deserve a decent amount of attention, but this is me taking a short break from studying so I wont stick around for long enough to talk about it all - and besides, you wouldn't want to troll through a massive long post all in one go now, would you?

Didn't think so.

So I'm going to give you a quick, what's what, and maybe next time I'm taking a break from philosophy I'll go into things a bit more.

Do you remember me talking about my friend that died on New Years Day? Well, when the car hit her it hit 4 other people too. Carrie died then and there, and I really hope she didn't notice, but who knows. Two of the others were left in comas, one was injured and the other got lucky I guess. Last week, Chelsea, who has been in a coma since the accident and been through the operations we thought would save her, died. About a week after her 20th birthday. I probably said this before, but 20 year olds are not meant to die. I want to say something meaningful, but I'm lost for words. Losing two friends in the space of three months is horrible. But look at me, feeling sorry for myself. 'Cause isn't that all grieving is, feeling sorry for yourself for having to deal with this loss? I'm not really sure what I believe when it comes to what happens next and all that, but I'm pretty sure it's not a lot. I don't believe in things like the soul, we're just a collection of cells and stuff buzzing around, making things happen. So I imagine when I die and my consciousness ends, that'll be it; for my consciousness. But my body? My body is part of this universe, it's part of existence. And it will continue to be part of everything forever. It might not look like me for very long, but it'll change form and move on. I think we're tied in with the universe; with nature I suppose. Maybe I need to look into Buddhism or something when I get a chance, 'cause I know they say something about cosmic energy... or something.

It seems we are surrounded by death all the time; yeah it's depressing to lose people you're close to and it's scary to come face to face with your own motality but I think there's something in this for us to walk away from. A lot of the time, we live as though we have forever. We put things off all the time and save for dreams we're never going to reach. Or worse, we saves for standard grown up things like a house and a car and don't even attempt those dreams your childhood self wanted nothing more than to achieve.

I think we all need to stop trying to be what we think we are meant to be, and just be. Do those things you want to do. See those people you want to see. I dare you to be happy. 'Cause in this Capitalist society of ours, happiness is definitely not on the agenda; it's a waste of time. But relax, 'cause we're not in a race.

Now, I've had my break so I'm hitting the books again. Wish me luck...

___

I just spoke to a friend of mine about this blog post and she just made a really good point. It's important that when you lose someone, who was really important to you, you don't allow their life to have been in vain. Take something positive from everyone around you, 'cause you can learn something all the time. Let these people affect your life and your out look and try to always be your best and try to always find happiness, 'cause we need each other sometimes. I'm not sure that's exactly what she was getting at and I'm not sure I've really said what I wanted to say, but it made me think.

... I think I sound like a nut job.

Video: Emperors New Clothes

2010-03-26T18:37:00.000Z

Hey hey,

I got around to recording a poem, finally! So here, check it out =]

I have found out my exam timetable now too! Scary stuff! But I will be all wrapped up by the 2nd of June! Then that's it. Forever. Oh God.

Roar!

2010-03-19T07:35:00.002Z

I want to apologise for being absent from the posting, but I wont. I spent Monday through to Wednesday of this week studying, trying to get an economics essay for my Marxism class done. Wore myself out though, so didn't do any work yesterday, which is definitely a shame. I'll make up for it today (before I go see Alice in Wonderland tonight!), hopefully.

There is a boy in my philosophy class that was telling me how he get's his work done. Basically, he switches the parts of his brain that functions like a normal human and enters study mode. Aim seems to be to turn himself into a boring (but focused) person for the day. I am actually really jealous of his ability to do this. Focusing isn't something I've ever been very good at... unless I'm playing video games; I can focus on those pretty well - for hours. I remember sitting up through out the night playing on my Super Nintendo instead of sleeping. Now I wont allow myself a games consol in the house... my brother took the ps2 to his house, far far away and I stopped my mum getting me a ps3 for Christmas, just 'cause I know I'd never get anything done.

Trouble is, there's still enough to distract me from working. Normally, I need a 'beat-myself-up-day' which involves me sitting in front of the Mac, staring at the work I have to do and just not touching it until I'm angry enough at myself for being so ridiculous that I start reading and taking notes. The next day or two are the reading and planning days. Once I've started I'm normally ok and can carry on for ages, especially with my old friend, Mr Caffeine helping me out. But then I'm tired and stressed and need a nothing day all over again before the process can loop round for me to actually do the writing part. I'd love to just skip those nothing days... They're such a waste of time! Other people can study every day, all day. Why can't I?

If anyone knows the trick to this whole taking control of your mind malarky, let me in on it!

Will power is a strange concept I reckon. Basically it's the faculty that picks what it is that I want and it decides what I want based on the information about the options that are stored in my intellect. But everything has positives and negatives so it's not a clear cut decision... so how is it the will picks which one it wants to go for? The will is just part of me, so it's me that's picking and I imagine the choice is based on desire or something, right? So, what does that mean...?

What desire am I fulfilling by sitting around avoiding working? I know that I have the desire to not fail, but that's further away than my desire to avoid stress. Short term trumps long term. So my question to you, is how can I convince my brain to do what I want it to do and focus on those long term desires a little bit. At least for long enough to get these 9 essays done!

Right, that's enough from me. I shall return to this economics essay of mine!

MUSIC: Dave Oakes

2010-03-12T23:11:00.000Z

Hey!

A friend of mine is an awesome musician and he asked me to share some information with you lot, so I'm just going to post you his words:

As some of you might know, I auditioned for the UK's biggest competition for unsigned acts on Saturday and i've been put through to the regional finals.

The competition provides a great opportunity to perform live in front of some of the country's top producers, Label execs. promotors and DJs. If I make it through the next stages of the comp I will compete in the Grand Final and the Live and Unsigned Festival.

Over £50,000 in prizes are up for grabs with the winner offered a recording contract with Future Music, and up to £30,000 investment!
For the Regional I have to get as many people to come along and see and vote for me, the tickets are only £7.50, its being help on the 4th of April at the Royal Spa Centre In Leamington Spa.
It would mean alot to me if people could help me in anyway, the more people who can come the better, its only for one night and there is a guest act headlining.

And while you're here check out his Myspace

The Poor Student

2010-03-11T19:26:00.003Z

So, remember Hello Budget? It was my little rant about how I have no money and have to put myself on a budget or face a period of time where I wont have a penny to my name.

Well, if you remember I allocated myself a generous £100 a week, thinking that would be plenty. How could I possibly spend more than that in a week? I don't really ever go out and I haven't been shopping in ages (though I do think about new jeans and new t-shirts and new bras on a daily basis, not going to lie). But somehow every week I have actually gone over and just taken some of my allowance away from future weeks - I'm keeping track in the calendar on NewMac (it's not a creative name, but it's his name - obviously I'm referring to my Macbook to anyone who didn't pick up on that) so I can see how much I'm spending and now I'm down to £60 a week from here on.

Now, £60 still shouldn't really be an issue considering I live at home. I haven't even bought a book in ages! There was a brief time (like December-February) where I was ordering a new book or dvd almost everyday! Granted, I don't have time to read or watch any of these purchases but I am set for the next few years with things to read - and let's be honest, writers rarely ever make much money so I wont be able to fritter away cash like I've been doing for the last three years. I think having a student loan (and having a job that didn't really feel much like work (mostly) for a year) has damaged my grasp of economics. I don't really have much understanding of the value of money, 'cause it doesn't mean much to me. When I have money, I'll spend it on other people just as quickly as I spend it on myself. It's just this standardised means for exchange that fuels an egotistical society. And ok, yeah, I am part of this society and need to learn to function within it, because I can't just pretend to be a little kid forever - but I sure as Hell plan to find a way to do both; to function and maintain at least a dash of youthfulness, forever.

My girlfriend unfortunately lives kinda far away. Not massive far away, it's only an hour on a big train, but it means paying for train tickets. This in fact means that if I go to Swindon every weekend that's half of my weekly budget already gone. If only I lived in the 60s when people bartered for stuff and I could just trade poems for things. Now that would have been perfect! But it's ok, when I'm done with all this uni stuff, it'll be less backing and forthing a bit =]

Now this isn't me complaining, 'cause she is a bit amazing and worth the empty pockets. It's just me wingeing, 'cause I'm a girl. And 'cause I want to buy tickets to Download soon and if I do that's 3 weeks money - that's 3 weeks I can't do anything... Other than go to uni, 'cause my travel card isn't included in the budget.

This is only going to be until April something anyway when the next instalment of student loan comes through - and this time I'll just manage it better to begin with instead of wasting so much of it on an Amazon addiction and pretty t-shirts. Online shopping is a dangerous thing...

Thanks to the way things work over in the UK and the fact that I'm not two years older and lucky enough to have missed the price hike, I will probably be paying back my student loan for the rest of my life so I'm resigned to the idea of never having much money.

That's how it's meant to be for artists, right? We need to suffer; it spurs creativity. Or, something.... Most of my best writing moments have come out of me spiralling in a pit personal angst and procrastination. Happiness inspires me to write too, but it makes me uncomfortable so I normally stop and hide my creation away somewhere. I think happy poems or love poems almost always just sound a bit cheesy, but maybe that's just 'cause I'm a bit of a pessimist or something.

Weight Loss

2010-03-11T00:04:00.003Z

This is one of those things that everyone seems to always be 'trying' to do. Everyone wants to lose weight (or at least everyone I'm surrounded by). What I hate is when I look at myself, acknowledge the fat bits and make the decision to improve then someone comes along and lies to me. I hate being told I'm not fat when I clearly am. I mean ok, I know I'm not morbidly obese or anything, but if I'm strutting around in size 34 jeans I'm definitely not skinny - not when I used to don 28s.

Before university I was about 56kg and training at least 3 times a week, doing Taekwon Do. I was trying to get down to 54kg so I could be in the top end of the weight bracket if I wanted to compete instead of the bottom end. I was teaching and training and always working out. I miss TKD more than you know and think about going back all the time, but I'm a little embarrassed. I'm ashamed of myself for stopping and for getting fat. If I get back down to the size I was before, then I'll feel better about myself and maybe it'll be less embarrassing to go back. Maybe I'll just hang up my black belt for good and take up a new art, how about Jujitsu?

Then I started uni and it was just too much hassle to make it to the class. Then I got a job in a club and it was impossible to make it to the class. So I stopped. And I was a student so obviously drinking more and eating more - whilst not working out at all (apart from dancing like a loon in clubs).

So I put on loads of weight. My size 10 jeans were put away and haven't been looked at since I was 19. My face exploded with my waste and I just carried on pastaring it up with piles of cheese and lots of naps. This was clearing a stupid plan...

This year (academic year, so September 09) I moved back home so I wouldn't have to work in my final year. My parents live in London so I didn't need to live alone and paying rent was too much hassle. My best mate is big on the weight loss so just being around him is pretty encouraging. Since I've been back I have gone from 68kg to 59kg. The amount I'm losing has increased as time's gone on, so I wasn't losing much for the first few months. I think that might be about a stone and a half for people that don't do kg but at TKD that's always what we worked in.

I still don't do much exercise, but I do watch what I eat a bit more. I walk everywhere and whenever I take the underground I always walk up the escalators instead of just standing and wasting time waiting. Apart from the massive one at Holborn station... I can only make it half way before I feel like death... I'm clearly still massive unfit, but smaller.

I've got a picture of Keira Knightley working out as my background on the mac, which reminds me not to sit and pig out all day everyday. It reminds me what hard work and dedication can get you. Unfortunately, I don't have much of either most of the time. So she reminds me what it is I want, in case I forget.

I looked up what my bmi should be for my height and in the summer I was technically over weight. I am currently at the top end of normal, but I would very much prefer to be at the bottom end of that scale.

I would also very much like a nice stomach and nice back so sit ups are becoming a daily activity. It's the plan at least. Let's hope I stick to it. I'll share my progress with you once in a while and if any of you lot fall into the "I'm not happy with my body" box feel free to join my journey. It's all about building communities.

Part of me feels like admitting my self consciousness here may not be that sensible. It un-arms and leaves me defenceless. But heck, we've been together a while now and I'm just starting to open up... who know's how good an idea that is in the long run....

I'll post two pictures so you can compare my face in July and my face now =] Not really great comparative pictures, but I can't be bothered to sit and photoshop pictures together and make it work better.

Poem: The Emperor's New Clothes

2010-03-10T11:30:00.002Z

MC Angel asked me to rewrite a fairytale as part of this months Lyrical Challenge, so here's my piece.

The Emperor’s New Clothes

Pride is one of those things
That springs up to clip your wings
Or pull those strings that help with progress.
Pride will have you guessing
Before ever expressing a need for help
Or letting on that you’re lost.
Pride comes at a cost you’re never willing
To give into.
So one day, once upon a time
In a land far, far away
Or maybe just next door
There’s an Emperor who cares for nothing
But his bling. His style, his smile, his robes
Probe inquiry
And he loves the attention.
He loves it when you mention him
Or look at him with awe
He’d have a castle made of straw
If you’d adore him a little more.
So he hires two new weavers
Who promise him a suit
The finest ever made or worn
And never touched by man before.
It’s made from lace
Engraved with gold
And takes it’s place as they unfold
It’s made from special fabric
Designed to trick the kingdoms fools
See to them the suit’s invisible!
Too proud to admit that he can’t see shit
The Emperor dons his new attire
And speaks about its beauty
About its colours and design
As he swirls the courtroom naked
And he marches all the time
So the moral of the tale kids
Is to let go of any pride
Which leads to sheep mentality.
Somewhere after once upon a time
But before the happy after
Came a little boy
Too innocent to sense the rules,
Laughed.
He laughed and pointed
Soon disjointed, the crowd began to slack
And they all laughed and they all pointed
At the Emperors naked crack.

It was going to be based on The Red Shoes, but I couldn't write anything decent. So I picked a different story.

The other challengers of the night, Raymond Artbous who did Rumplestiltskin and Sabrina Mafouz who did Little Red Riding hood were awesome! MC Angel did a take on Cinderella which was also amazing. Over all a fantastic evening and I think any of you lot in London should totally come next month!

Lyrical Challenge

2010-03-06T07:37:00.004Z

I know! I suddenly suck at this frequent posting thing! I've been all distracted. I shall not be sharing stories of my distractions with you, as entertaining as they may be... Instead I'm going to give you a little update!

On the 9th I'm performing at Lyrically Challenged along side Sabrina Mafouz and Raymond Artbous

Passing Clouds,

1 Richmond Road,

London

E8 4AA

The night is run by a friend of mine known as MC Angel and the idea is that every month the poets are challenged to write a new poem. The theme of this months poem is fairytales so I'm going to do a take on The Red Shoes - Well that's the plan. So far I don't like anything I've come up with, so I may consider picking a different fairytale to try soon.

I'm going to post the challenge to you lot. I want you to write me a poem based on a fairytale! Any fairytale you like =]

I look forward to reading your responses!

And if you're in London and you're free be sure to check out the event!

Beat Procrastination!

2010-02-27T09:27:00.003Z

I know you've stumbled over here expecting me to give you the holy grail and help you beat procrastination with some sort of magic trick. Unfortunately for you, I am hoping that since you've stumbled over here already, you'd give me the gold and tell me how I can beat it myself.

Thing is, I know there are like, tricks. Like breaking things up into manageable chunks for example. This is one that I do myself. For my essays, I read the bits I need to read and make notes, then make an essay plan, then first draft, then finalise it all. Only, the first draft part stumps me. Starting essays makes me a little anxious and I avoid it like it's poison or something. Once I've started and the ball has a steady roll going on I'm fine and I can sit and write and save myself a tiny bit from the mound of work I have to get through. But it takes me days to start.

I literally sit staring at it for days. I leave the window open all the time, so I can see it while I'm doing other things. Like this for example... I go to start it off, but can't seem to find the right words so I take a break and do something else. A lot of time is spent playing with photo booth, see Exhibit A above.

It seems to the rest of the world (well, ish - depends where they're picking my projection up from) that I'm projecting this super hard working ethic and that I don't leave my room or the library for mass amounts of time to study. Only most of that time I'm not really doing much.

So help me out. How do I go about starting?

The irony of this all is, that the essay I'm trying to write is that same weakness of will one I mentioned last week. I guess I'm a little weak willed myself? I guess that maybe I agree with Aristotle on the matter then rather than Socrates in saying that people can in fact know what the right thing is and be able to do it but still do something else. We do the thing we want to do, as a matter of opinion. It's the possibility of the incontinent person, who knows what is good but does wrong anyway because they lack self control required to resist licentious behaviour. It isn't just about being ignorant of certain things like Socrates suggested. Humans form bad habits and are constantly tempted to take pleasure in the wrong sorts of activities (Aristotle believed pleasure was a great thing - unlike Plato - and that we take pleasure from the right sorts of things). Our intellect and rationality do not have full control of our every action.

If there is a wallet on the floor with £100 in it I bet most people would pocket the money. Some people might even thank a god or two for the gift. But is taking the money wrong? Aren't you meant to hand wallets into police stations or something if you find them? Do you feel guilty for it?

I don't know. I'll keep thinking on this. But I guess I just found the solution to that procrastination problem after all...

ShortStory: The Clone Next Door

2010-02-25T20:25:00.002Z

I remember reading about them cloning that world famous sheep back in the 90’s. Scientists cloned the worlds first mammal that day in ‘96 and the world took heed. Science fiction fans were going crazy and conspiracy theorists were jumping off buildings to prevent having to live through the terrible future this would inevitably lead to. It was all a big deal. Only I remember being sat on the opening end of 2010 and wondering why the hell science hadn’t lived up to all our wild fantasies. Why nothing was really that spectacular and how this futuristic life we we're living in wasn’t really even touching our expectations.

Yeah, sure: YouTube in my pocket is great, but is it really Earth shattering? I remember reading about scientists growing pork from stem cells and thinking that was it!
They can cure world hunger!
They can save the world.
Only, this place is over populated enough and until we can start shipping people off to other planets then they can’t really fit us as it is, let alone start saving people.

So the people with the money decide they want more. They decide who is allowed to live and who is allowed to die. Science runs on the premise of being good for the people, of discovering and understanding our world to better benefit our people. But maybe that’s just a lie, maybe they just want our money to fund experiments to discover things they’ll convince us we need so we spend more money buying it only to be told there’s something better.
Better.
Bigger.
More.
That’s just how we roll.

Jump ahead 35 years and not much has changed. It’s still about making as much money as possible and screwing over the little guy as much as you can. But now, they’ve wrangled permission on human cloning with ethical backing. If you have the money, you can have a double. It takes a while to grow and it’s more expensive than you could imagine, but it exists. And with it a new kind of power.

The clone is in effect your slave. Or ‘partner’ if you want to be nice to yourself. You dish out chores for it to complete, you send it to see people you don’t want to see, you have it commit a murder while you sit in a busy bar full of witnesses who can swear that you didn’t move all night.

But then there are the people like me, who don’t want to take advantage of our clone, just make use of him. So we split tasks up. Some days I get the fun things; some days the shit, but it’s balanced. I always thought the balance was important. The clone may well be an identical replica of me in every way; every cell. But as soon as it’s completed, it becomes a he and he is now having his own thoughts. We are now two separate thinking beings – incredibly connected, but equally as aware or sentient or rational or whatever else it is you want to ascribe to humanity.

They would put tags in the clones, so they could be told apart from us real people. So they could be tracked and controlled if they got out of hand. But there was never any trouble, they seemed to accept their role as a human play thing and people enjoyed the company.

It all just started with this one guy.
This seemingly innocent one guy. Really I should be saying boy, ‘cause this child was only 18. His daddy had bought him his very own clone for his 18th birthday to welcome in this shining new adulthood.

He was sat in his bedroom staring at himself. Talking, investigating, simply trying to get his head around the whole thing.

Best. Gift. Ever.
Kind of.

He touches the clone. The boy’s finger rolls over a lump. He checks the same spot on his own body almost instinctively but there isn’t a lump to match. He asks his clone if he knows, but he may as well have been asking himself. So he tells his obedient clone to stay still and he’ll help him find out. The boy pulls a switch blade out the top drawer of the desk in his room and prepares himself. He places the edge of the blade against the skin of his clone, who stares at him, terrified. He doesn’t want to be hurt but he suddenly realises he doesn’t actually have control. The clone realises they’ve done something to him, they’ve made him less than human.

He wants to pull away but he remains motionless on his original’s instruction to ‘stay still’. He cries out in pain as the blood gushes down his forearm and onto the blue carpet beneath him. A few drops land on the original’s shoes and he gets real angry. Starts shouting, telling the clone that he’s a ‘worthless piece of crap!’ and all sorts. Hits him round the face and catches him with the blade, that is still in his hand a little. More blood. His blood.

The boy reaches for some pliers from the floor near a pile of other tools, to pull whatever he’s found out of the clones arm. It’s tough at first and it’s more than just lodged into the clones body. The lump had been woven in, almost as though it were part of him. Part of the creation from the get go. The boy looks at it and discards it into his clones lap, before getting up to walk away. He calls his clone “Number Two” and tells him he can go to work for him tomorrow.

But see, Number Two is now alone in the room and picks up the discarded lump from his lap. He uses his other hand to touch the blood, still dripping from his arm where good old Number One cut into him. Slowly wiping away blood, then wiping the blood off his hands onto his jeans. Repeatedly. Wiping the blood from his cheek to his jeans. Repeatedly. But see, this was how it all began – well, how something began.

The next day Number Two was out and about, doing the tasks he was asked to do. While he was out he noticed something: most people doing things are actually the clones. The originals of the world have become lazy. Dependent on their duplicates to fulfil their daily routines so they can spend their time relaxing.

Our Number Two from earlier had made it his mission to secretly remove the lumps from other clones he came across, on the sly during the work day. He realised something changed when his came out and he wanted to help the other slaves of circumstance as he stood shoulder to shoulder with them in the battle field. The originals never paid them much attention, so it was easy enough to do. Now, no more traceable than an original itself, the clones were able to walk amongst the people. Undetected. As more and more of them had their lumps removed they started to become less and less obedient.

Men who saw themselves as owners would use violence on their clone to try to control it’s wild out bursts. As the days went on clones were being murdered in cold blood, but the murder of a science project wasn’t classed as an offence. Murderers were let off the hook, because they didn’t kill a real person; just one that we invented. It was only a matter of time before real people were being murdered but claims of mistaken identity had the killer back on the streets. After all, if someone is acting strangely, exhibiting clone like behaviour and such, how are we suppose to tell the difference? We can’t be held responsible.

As time went on, I watched as the chipless clones grew in number. They wanted ‘human’ status but were being refused such rights. They’re not humans! Just a bunch of human cells grown in a lab… Or at least that was the general consensus on the matter. Humanist protesters had called for a ban on cloning but were never listened to. And why would anyone have listened? These hippies were trying to get in the way of progress. Of evolution and science. No, instead these hippies were thrown in prisons just to keep them off the streets. They filled the court houses with clone workers who worked on shifts between each other. Stem cell grown pork and beef were on hand to keep the new wave of people fed. World hunger is still an issue, but only in those poor countries we haven’t bothered colonising yet. We on the other hand are sorted for life when it comes to food.

Some of these clones even started mating with each other, or even with real humans. Inter-human relationships were frowned upon though and often clones would be shunned by their own kind. They’d be forced into the shadows with the likes of me, hiding for the rest of our lives because we simply don’t know what else to do.

I was one of those damn scientists. Or at least that would be what you’d call me anyway, now that you can see what’s become of us. Those scientists who fought to be allowed to try and clone an entire human. It was just wide eyed curiosity to begin with, the way all scientists just want to know ‘what if?’ or ‘whether I can?’. That’s just how science works, you test the boundaries the universe seems to have in place. I was young and didn’t think science was enough, didn’t think we were moving fast enough into the future so I jumped on the bandwagon straight out of university.

The clones out number the originals maybe 6:1 these days and they have full control of everything.

But they’re just clones of humans… why is this not the same thing as there just being lots of humans around? It’s not like we can tell on looking at a person now is it?

I can tell you’re after answers. They know if they’re clones, they can tell. They remember realising they weren’t in full control and they remember cutting out that lump we created as part of them. The idea was that they could be controlled, culled into helping mankind into the future. Instead they have taken the future from us.

I’ve seen all this, but the most tragic thing of it all is that nothing looks that different. If you didn’t know already, you wouldn’t be able to tell that we were on the verge of extinction and to always watch your back. ‘Cause the clones are angry and they wont let us forget it. They now work in our labs and behind our desks. They found ways to enhance their own clones, who were grown a little taller or a little stronger. Who’s brains were a little bigger and a little more efficient.

We called it evolution when we had the power but now it’s more like an apocalypse. Both sides living in fear of the other, unable to even tell who the enemy is until it’s too late. These days everyone has a gun in the pocket and a knife in their back. And my pathetic little self hides out in the dark corners, trying to go unnoticed because I simply don’t know what else to do. The new breed of people, these clones, aren’t even given the opportunity to build the city up thanks to the constant battles on the streets. The internal conspiracy fears will have them destroying each other once we’re all gone. The world will be a wasteland and mankind will have been extinguished and I will die knowing that this was my wide eyed curiosity that got us here.

Rules For Story Writing

2010-02-24T23:07:00.001Z

This is just a quickie, 'cause I'm mid study times and realised I hadn't posted since Monday.

I looked up the 7 types of story a while ago, after being told there are these set types of story and if a story doesn't fall into one of these 7 types it's going to fail. It becomes one of those stories that you feel didn't really tell you anything, when you get to the end.

I found 3 versions (take from that what you will)

NUMBER 1

‪1) ACHILLES - The almost flawless person, e.g. Superman.‬

‪2) CINDERELLA - The dream come true (e.g Dirty Dancing, Prerry Woman.)‬

‪3) CIRCE - The chase, e.g The Blues Brothers.‬

‪4) FAUST - Selling your soul to the Devil may bring riches, but eventually, you will belong to him, e.g. Wall Street‬

‪5) ORPHEUS - The loss of something personal, e.g. Regarding Henry, Farscape (think about John Crichton!)‬

‪6) ROMEO & JULIET - The love story, e.g. Sleepless In Seattle.‬

‪7) TRISTAN - X loves Y, but one or both are already spoken for, e.g. Fatal Attraction.‬

NUMBER 2

1. Overcoming the monster -- defeating some force which threatens...

e.g. most Hollywood movies; Star Wars, James Bond.

2. The Quest -- typically a group setoff in search of something and

(usually) find it. e.g. Watership Down, Pilgrim's Progress.

3. Journey and Return -- the hero journeys away from home to somewhere

different and finally comes back having experienced something and

maybe changed for the better. e.g. Wizard of Oz, Gullivers Travels.

4. Comedy - not neccesarily a funny plot. Some kind of

misunderstanding or ignorance is created that keeps parties apart

which is resolved towards the end bringing them back together. e.g.

Bridget Jones Diary, War and Peace.

5. Tragedy - Someone is tempted in some way, vanity, greed etc and

becomes increasingly desperate or trapped by their actions until at a

climax they usually die. Unless it's a Hollywood movie, when they

escape to a happy ending. e.g. Devils' Advocate, Hamlet.

6. Rebirth - hero is captured or oppressed and seems to be in a state

of living death until it seems all is lost when miraculously they are

freed. e.g. Snow White.

7. Rags to Riches - self explanatory really. e.g. Cinderella &

derivatives (all 27,000 of them)!!!

NUMBER 3

1. A hero – the person through whose eyes we see the story unfold, set

against a larger background.

2. The hero’s character flaw – a weakness or defense mechanism that

hinders the hero in such a way as to render him/her incomplete.

3. Enabling circumstances – the surroundings the hero is in at the

beginning of the story, which allow the hero to maintain his/her

character flaw.

4. An opponent – someone who opposes the hero in getting or doing what

he/she wants. Not always a villain. For example, in a romantic comedy,

the opponent could be the man or woman whom the hero seeks romance

with. The opponent is the person who instigates the life-changing

event.

5. The hero’s ally – the person who spends the most time with the hero

and who helps the hero overcome his/her character flaw.

6. The life-changing event – a challenge, threat or opportunity

usually instigated by the opponent, which forces the hero to respond

in some way that’s related to the hero’s flaw.

7. Jeopardy – the high stakes that the hero must risk to overcome

his/her flaw. These are the dramatic events that lend excitement and

challenge to the quest.

I just thought I'd share these tips with you, 'cause I know that some of my readers are writers themselves. I looked these up, because I started working on my own novel and figured it wouldn't hurt to do some research. I'd like to know your thoughts on these tips and if you've used them in your writing before.

The actual lists were just copied and pasted from somewhere. Unfortunately they were just pasted into my notepad and were never cited 'cause it was just for personal reference. But if you want to know who really owns those words, I'm sure it wont be too hard to find out. Massive props to them.

The SuperPennie Paradox

2010-02-22T17:23:00.003Z

Privacy is one of those things that people used to take as a given, but these days doesn't really exist unless you try. Everybody knows everything and if they don't Facebook and the likes will be sure they get an update. This actually freaks me out an awful lot. Worse since December or whenever it was that Facebook got more with the sharing and removed loads of the privacy settings that were once available. Now if you do anything, everyone knows about it.

Somewhere in this ultimate openness lies a different kind of privacy. People are so bombarded with information that they don't really give a crap about they don't actually take much of it in. They have so many friends falling through their news feed that they don't actually pick much up. People start missing all the information they are being given. This is sometimes the best you can hope for in our modern day. Yipee.

Ok yeah, I could just delete all these accounts and solve the problem, only I need to stay connect. I'm a writer and a poet and I need to build up my contacts if I want to be known and get gigs etc etc. I hate phone conversations so would much rather message a friend than actually talk to them. I like being able to see any pictures anyone has taken of me that exist (not because I'm in love with myself, but 'cause I'm self conscious and I don't want ugly pictures floating about).

If you have a face, you can bet it's on cctv.
If you register for an Oyster card (that's how we get on public transport in London) then the machines know where you are at what time.
If you have a mobile phone you are completely findable anywhere - or at least anywhere with signal.
If you own a computer machines record your ip address. Machines remember what you're looking at and what you're buying. Machines know everything.

But that's not even what I want to talk about. I want to focus more on real human to human privacy and am just going to ignore the fact that we're practically living in 1984 and nobody is doing a thing about it.

I don't like people knowing things about me. If I wanted them to know, I'd tell them myself. It's not like my life is a big secret, my friends are entitled to whatever information they want. But I want to be involved in telling them, I don't want them to find out separate from me. And I also don't really understand why I'd just give away certain information for the sake of it. I know so many people that probably shouldn't be considered friends, more like acquaintances and those people aren't entitled to updates on my life (I'm sure they feel the same about me). But here is the SuperPennie Paradox.

I divulge information to people all the time. I have a blog. I have a YouTube. A Twitter. A Myspace. A Facebook. I'm connected to a world of faces and fingertips and I share a lot of myself. I'm sure it seems strange after all that to come out and say I'm a private person but somehow it's still true.

February's FairyTale

2010-02-21T15:42:00.004Z

Ok. So I'm writing this blog post but I'm yet to decide if it is suitable for posting (RE: some old posts to see why...). But I'm going to tell you a story anyway, because I think it's funny (and kind of a little cute) and I don't think it'll be as embarrassing to tell you now as it would have been last week. Maybe.

So for the last year I have been avoiding women after concluding they are all nut cases and I have to study. I choose books over girls, does that make me a geek? Well, probably.

I have been perfectly happy under my single banner and probably the least stressed out I have been since I started dating people at all. My darling best friend thought she would pull me out of said happiness and throw me towards whatever the opposite of peace and serenity is. Chaos, maybe?

I get a phone call from her telling me she has found me a girl and that she isn't crazy and that I have to talk to her. She was very excited about all of this as I remained completely against the idea. Whilst this was going on, my best mates girlfriend was in the same room on the phone to the girl in question and there is a lot of screaming going on (I do actually hate girls that scream, throwing that out there). Turns out this girl has been on the phone to my mates girlfriend complaining about crazy lesbians and wondering if there are any that aren't crazy. This was the moment my mate chimes in proclaiming that she knows one! One! Next came my phone call.

My mate was demanding I talk to the girl, as I laughed it off and refused, perfectly content with my life as it is. She talks me into looking at her on Facebook, which I do. I agree that she is pretty but I still do not care and I continue to refuse. I'm soon talked into messaging the girl. It's a short (abrupt) message pretty much saying I was told to say hello.

And so it began.

What's funny is how the girl knew my mates girlfriend. But that's not my story to tell, so you'll have to use your imaginations. But I will tell you that I soon found out that neither my friend nor her girlfriend had ever actually met this girl in person before. How ridiculous is that?

So we talk lots and meet up and she makes me forget that I hate women a little bit. I've never been in this situation before (having a girl thrown at me that is) and it was all a little strange, but turns out she is actually a bit lovely. She's a Cancer and as much as I don't want to believe in all that astrology rubbish it seems to be right about the fact that I get on well with Cancers. Maybe it's just all in my head...

She actually came to a poetry night, which is really fucking cool (putting up with my poetry obviously helps pick up points). I suddenly realise the further into this story I go the less it seems like a good idea for me to share it with you all... Especially as I know she's going to read this and laugh at me as it is!

After lots of me being awkward and being told to man up this section of the story does indeed have a happy ending. I say this section, because fairytales only ever tell you up to the part where the princess gets her prince and they live happily ever after, but you never get told what that happily ever after entails... I imagine lots of formalities and fake conversations with people at balls you don't really want to go to.

I can only presume mine will not fit into this category as formalities and balls are not actually things I come across very often (being that I'm not a princess, I'm more like PeterPan). But if anyone wants to throw me a ball, I have a green princess dress somewhere just waiting for an excuse.

I say that, but the likelihood of me ever building up the courage to wear the pretty princess dress out is so very low. And I don't even know if it fits anymore after spending 2 years of my life getting fat (thank you university). Now I'm just going off on a tangent a bit, but you have to be used to that by now! I mean come on, this has to be like blog post 60 or something, right?

Video: Above Tables (GayAfrica)

2010-02-20T04:16:00.001Z

Ok, I kinda feel like I'm mass posting here - let's just say I'm making up for lost time and I promise not to post anything else in the next 24 hours!
This is the poem I wrote for the GayAfrica thing I mentioned. It's 4am so I have tired eyes going on, so there you go.

If you're in London, be sure to come down to the event. Click for the Facebook page.

Date:	Sunday, 28 February 2010
Time:	16:00 - 20:00
Location:	Free Word Centre
Street:	60 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3GA
Town/City:	London, United Kingdom

PressRelease: SpeechMotion (Feb)

2010-02-20T03:25:00.003Z

February 23^rd 2010

Immediate Release

Press Contact: speechmotion@makingtheatrework.com

Presents...

A Monthly Platform for Performance & Shorts in Shoreditch

February may be associated with Love, but if you are sick of all the fake flowers and cheap teddy bear’s, come along to SpeechMotion on February 23^rd to see where love will get you if you’re not careful!

As always, we have a great line up which includes some of the best talent from around Europe.

Resident Poet, SuperPennie, will warm up the mic and get the crowd feeling super inside with her latest rhymes. The London born poet claims that, ‘Growing up is bad for your health. In fact it is one of the biggest causes of death...’ (Obviously another Peter Pan complex) http://www.myspace.com/superpennie

The line up continues with London based Guest Poet, Jade Anouka, who’s feature spots include: Farrago, Apples&Snakes, TriForce Promotions, I Think I'm Here Darling and UK Poetry Podcast.. Jade has also performed at the Sidewalk Cafe and The Bowery in New York. www.myspace.com/anoukapoetry

Guest Film, ‘Think of Me Then Die,’ by French Filmmaker Sullivan Corredo, is about the way Nicolas Sarkozy rules France. However, watching it you would not necessary know that because Corredo is one of the best young surreal filmmakers out there, which means there are different interpretations to his work, some people love him, (speechmotion) some people don’t get him, but no one can deny his unpredictability. Corredo states, “It was not easy to fit the cultural view of the president, but working hard on it, I can affirm that I'm part of what the French government does at its best”. Vive la France!

As we are on the subject of politics has anyone ever lied...to a loved one? Of course you have! “Little Secrets” is our Featured Film, by our favourite German Filmmaker, Sascha Zimmermann. What a wonderful mix of dark humour and witty dialogue.

We sing the night out with our Featured Performer, Blanche Visarro - "A modern Chanteuse" - brought to the future from 1920's silent films, she will tell the story of love in trouble. With the piano at her finger tips and her magical voice in your ear, you will go home and cry yourself to sleep. So moving!

Listing Information:

SpeechMotion promotes the work of original storymakers and offers a platform where a unique mix of performance and film co-exists between emerging and established artists.

Every last Tuesday of the month performers/filmmakers get in FREE)

Venue: The Horse and Groom, 28 Curtain Road, Shoreditch, London, EC2A 3NZ

Tickets £4/3

Facebook Group

Producer Notes - Who is msft? The Storytellers Pedestal
msft, formerly known as missfit productions, has been producing events since 2006 and specializes in raising the profile of emerging artists, across the creative spectrum, (poets, performers, film makers and playwrights). msft create performance opportunities around London in quirky venues, that promise to nurture creative talent and artistic innovation. Why? - Because msft loves theatre. Not just the finished product, but all the drama that brings the product to life. For more information, images, interviews, sponsorship, or to perform/screen your work, please contact festival director Lennie Varvarides at speechmotion@makingtheatrework.com.

Warm Regards,

Public Displays

2010-02-18T23:20:00.001Z

I apologise for having disappeared for a few days people, I was away visiting some amazing people in Swindon/Taunton and couldn't find the time to pull myself from certain lovely faces to sit down and write to you guys. But now I am home I figure I may as well get back on it!

I was thinking about public displays of affection while I was gone and have decided to share such thoughts and check out other peoples opinions on the matter. See I think if someone wants to hug or kiss their partner in public they can crack on, there's nothing wrong with that. I mean obviously, nobody wants to see someone with their hand down their partner's jeans or two people gyrating against a wall, but those moderate displays are cute.

The other day I saw an old couple kissing on an escalator down to the underground. I want to still be kissing someone I love when I'm in my 60's and 70's!

So I started thinking about gay couples, I think it's that little bit scarier to kiss or hold hands with your partner in public, for fear of being gay bashed or something. That's not cool; people shouldn't be afraid of showing their love. I think this is more likely in gay men rather than gay women, but I could be wrong. I think it's less likely you'll see gay boys kissing in public than you are to see lesbians do it, I wonder why that is...

Maybe people are more likely to say something to guys. Maybe they're more likely to want to fight with guys. Maybe they're just more freaked out by gay guys than girls, 'cause they see them less. I don't know, I don't know why people do anything. I imagine most things are just because the world is fucked up and people are just shit, but maybe that's just a hint of pessimism or something. But hidden inside that pessimistic shell of mine, is a tiny little penguin looking for a hug... or something to that effect, maybe.

All I know is, is that people should be able to love whoever they want and not be afraid to let anyone know. People shouldn't go round punching people for being happy. And people need to take a step back and get a grip 'cause there are far worse things in the world than someone that isn't you being happy.

I like holding peoples hands, I'm a hand holder.

Weakness of Will

2010-02-15T11:18:00.001Z

I am about to begin working on my 3rd Greek essay and thought I'd share some thoughts with you lot. I know some of you are philosophers and may appreciate my ramblings - to those of you who are not, you can always play along =p

"No man can know the better and be able to do it, but do the worst"

So basically, we can't do the wrong thing on purpose if we're capable of doing the right thing. I've been thinking about this for a few days now, trying to work out what my thoughts on it actually are. I have yet to actually do the reading, because I only just finished my Theaetetus essay this morning, where I concluded knowledge is not perception and that they are two very different things. I didn't quite work out what knowledge was, just that it was something special and a certain shape - it doesn't fit through the perception shaped holes in my understanding box. I realise that is probably a really confused analogy, but it helped me work it all out.

Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. What do you think, can people err knowingly?

I think (today) that it's all a very subjective subject. I might think that your actions are wrong but you may not agree, which would mean I guess that you're not erring knowingly. But are you erring at all? Let us think about an example so we can try to get our heads around it: smoking.

People smoke even though they know it is bad for them. They know they will lose years off their lives and that their insides are being destroyed. But they do it anyway.
Why?

This makes me think it has to be something to do with instant gratification vs long term gratification. In the moment they feel better for it which seems worth the worse later on. It's a value scale - what's more important to me? What is it I want more, to live freely or live longer? Maybe.

I think we like our instant gratification, us humans. We respond to instinct to feed animal desires. Hunger for example - we get hungry, we eat. But sometimes we go on diets, do delay instant gratification for that long term goal of being skinny. So how does it all weigh up?

This is just an informal idea soup. I will read Plato and a bit of Aristotle and come up with my essay and let you know what conclusion I came to on the matter. Let me know what you think in general about whether or not we are weak willed. Do we do things even when we don't want to do them? What does that even mean?

Hans Christian Andersen

2010-02-13T09:00:00.002Z

So the other day I was thinking about stories I liked when I was a kid and how a lot of them were ruined by being brightened up (like by Disney and the likes). In following this thought through I hit up Amazon and purchased a copy of Hans Christian Andersen's Complete Fairy Tales.

It is pretty damn awesome! More awesome than I thought it would be in fact. I saw my package from Amazon, sat patiently waiting for my attention up on the table in the hallway outside my bedroom. I swiftly pulled open the cardboard to see it was huge (I should have assumed as much considering the word 'complete' is in the title, but shhh)! It was wrapped in cellophane, which doesn't often happen to be honest, so that was quite exciting. I pull the book out and realise it is HARD BACK. You have no idea how excited I got. I ripped off the cellophane and sat holding the book, touching the cover and just looking at it. I got a little bit over excited and was about to start crying, so I put the book down and left the room for a few minutes to calm down.

Yes I am actually that lame.

A friend of mine phoned me at this point, which meant I had someone to share my excitement with. Which was so very necessary! I could well have exploded. I was actually about to phone Mr Gaige and tell him all about it before my phone started ringing! I literally spent the next 20 minutes talking about how happy I was and what it felt like and how it smelt like new book. I even went on Skype so I could show her the book on webcam.

At which point, she informed me of a movie I should really have known about from the 50's which I have now ordered! Amazon tells me it will be at my door by Tuesday. This too makes me very happy! Hopefully it comes in the morning as I plan to go away for a couple of days and would love to take it with me so we can watch it together and sit and get all girlie at the singing and the storytelling!

Amazon should blates pay me commission... I should write them a letter or something =p

I will give you my thoughts on the movie after I watch it! I have actually banned myself from reading for fun until after my degree, so you will all have to wait until summer for a book review. I find I feel really guilty for reading anything that isn't studying so have implemented a rule.

Man Up Pennie

2010-02-11T02:46:00.002Z

I've been thinking about my general approach to the world today. You see, I'm not a 'jump-in-with-both-feet' sort of girl and like to keep hold of the safety rail incase I need to get back out. I like to pretend that I don't care when in reality it's all I seem to be able to do. The problem with this approach is obvious - it's the difference between playing in a paddling pool and swimming in the ocean.

- Ok, yes. I am enjoying the water analogies.

What all this really brings me to, is that I need to man up. I don't want to look back at my life and just see all the things I didn't do 'cause I was scared - that's just a waste of a human. I want to see my adventures; the good, the bad and the dangerous.

If Blogging Was Like Keeping A Diary

2010-02-08T17:54:00.001Z

When it comes to blogging, a lot of the time it takes the form of a quasi-diary entry - only the juicy bits have to be taken out. The problem with that is, the juice bits are obviously the most entertaining parts of any story. The meaty gossip about someone's life makes for the best stories to pass away the time. More often than not people would rather read about those embarrassing moments or the love matches that go into everyday life than just spiels of academia (tell me I'm not alone in this).

I have actually kept a diary since I was 10 years old. This last year it has received minimal amounts of attention from me, I imagine solely because of the amount of writing I do otherwise. Poetry especially meant I didn't need the diary as much anymore, because I could work things out another way. Since starting blogging I've almost deleted diary keeping completely, turning it into this obsolete passage of my childhood. It just means a few thoughts and feelings go untouched because I don't want to share my inner most anxieties with you and I can't always put them into poetry. I guess with time I'll see what the result of this will be on my psyche...

But the thing is, unlike a diary, your blog is a public forum. Anyone can read it and you can't even monitor who these people are. You can't just keep all these secrets hidden in a book under the bed, buried in a box you know nobody will open. People can see what it is you're saying and if you are saying things about the people reading, well - that's a whole other world. I can't just sit here and bitch about people I don't like or proclaim my love for anyone without getting myself into trouble. It seems that is the way it always is for writers. We want to write what we know but have to work out how to get away with doing it. Work out how to do it without telling any secrets you shouldn't have told and make sure you don't destroy any confidences that were left with you.

So how do I propose to go about this? There are things I want to tell you that I know would make for good stories but I'm trapped by my need for self-preservation. Does that make me a bad journalist? Shouldn't I just suck it up and get on with it? Well, hell no. I don't want to jeopardise my personal life just to give it away for the entertainment of strangers.

Instead I plan to write all the things I want to write and just wait. They can lay in waiting for a while and I'll start posting them in the future, maybe next year. When it's less embarrassing or delicate because it was the past. I hope you are all excited about what is to come, but I am sorry to tell you those juicy bits will be a long time coming.

Gay Africa

2010-02-07T20:46:00.002Z

I have been asked to join the Rhymes Wont Wait collective and do a performance at a charity event.

"GAY AFRICA is a powerful response to the human rights and sexuality crisis sweeping the continent. In Uganda they propose to execute gays, in Malawi they imprison gay men who marry, in Nigeria they ban all meeting and support for LGBT people"

I have sat down today to try to pen a poem on topic and have come up with my first draft. It is called Above Tables and I'm sure you'll get a peak at it when it's done.

This is a really important issue and I am proud to be part of something so special in trying to make a difference and get awareness about the craziness going on out there out. If you are in London (or near by) hit up the gig, it's free! Clicking on the title will send you to the event page on Facebook.

If you don't already know, you should look it up. Right now a scary level of homophobia is sweeping across Africa to a point where laws are being passed to have people killed. Murdering people because you don't agree with them is not ok. Doing it in the name of God is worse. American Evangelicals (as well as the Catholic Church) have gone over there and preached hate and violence to such a degree that almost the entire continent has jumped on the bandwagon. This really isn't ok.

Sunday 28th February 2010 4pm – 8pm

Free Word Centre, Farringdon
60 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3GA

Farewell Dear Dollhouse, You Will Be Missed!

2010-02-07T01:48:00.001Z

So Dollhouse is over. I watched it all online, ‘cause I couldn’t bare to wait for those belated English airdates; how I love the Internet. I realise I’m way behind seeing as it’s been over for over a week and I bet if any of you care you would have read loads of posts about the same thing elsewhere. But meh…. I’ll carry on.

Dollhouse is the latest piece of gold to come from the God that is Joss Whedon and (yet again) Fox didn’t give it the chance it deserved. Cancelled. Morons. With only two seasons to prove it’s worth, you may as well take the time to watch it all!

For non-sci-fi/Whedon fans out there who may not already know, I’ll fill you in. There is this evil corporation which the future-changing technology to be able to re-write a person’s brain. This corporation runs a load of underground ‘dollhouses’ across the globe (though we don’t know that part right away – obviously) full of ‘volunteers’ who have their brains wiped for 5 years. They are referred to as actives and work for the house. Their bodies are pretty much rented by very, very rich people who can pick and chose what qualities they want their doll to have. It’s like a really expensive pimp agency only, your doll doesn’t know they’re a doll and genuinely loves you. All the dolls are beautiful – because obviously us humans would never pay high dollar for an ugly bit on the side. But wait! They’re not just prostitutes, they can be ANYTHING you want… ninja, thief… whatever.

So season one sees Caroline, played by Eliza Dushku sign her life away to Adelle DeWitt (Olivia Williams). She is then wiped and becomes the wondrous Echo.

The initial premise may seem a little far fetched and season 1 was a little samey with the first 6 episodes just setting the scene, sending Echo off to do a variety of different things. It gave us all a chance to settle into the idea of what was going on before it started to hit us with the awesomeness. Unfortunately as amazing as it was, the show was never given a chance.

Dollhouse was at least given warning of the approaching end, given them enough to come up with an ending rather just leaving it in midair but this isn’t like it’s good enough. There are so many shows that just keep going and going until the writers have nothing left to say and they stop caring about their work – it’s just about the money now.

There is an awesome io9 article here which deserves your attention. She talks about the desire – fear paradigm going on through the show and the slow shift towards fear as time goes on.

Because Dollhouse was facing it’s cancellation some things felt a little forced and clumsy, as they sprinted to the end of the story in such a tiny space. If they were given more time, it wouldn’t have been such a sprint for the finish line. And the Boyd thing might have been a little less lame…

Dollhouse is a show that should have made it. It explored something different, but there we have our problem. By stepping away from what everyone else was doing and trying to be creative and explore new ideas the show was always going to be under threat.

Throughout the two seasons, Dollhouse has explored what it is to be human. It was an ambitious concept but I think they did it. Dollhouse takes a possible world (as opposed to a fantasy world) and builds on it. That is how science works; keeps trying to improve on itself and to make money. Science wants to move the world into the future and isn’t going to let a few ethical qualms get in it’s way. This is scary. Actually scary.

Dollhouse was probably too dark for Fox. But it’s filled with a whole bunch of upbeat themes that showed the light through the darkness. The hints for Fox to see and hold on to, like Anthony and Priya’s love being completely unbreakable and able to transcend the mind no matter who they were printed with.

As it turned out, Dollhouse wasn’t as dark as we all thought it was going to be. Joss gave us some optimism, this idea that even though all this is coming at us, we’re still going to come out the other end. Yeah the world is a shitty place, but we can get through it. Ok, I almost feel like that sounds a little cheesy – but maybe that’s ‘cause we feel like there are only two dots on the spectrum; cheese or misery.

It would have been nice to get to see the show run it’s course at a regular pace and smooth everything out a bit. I am a little angry that it was taken away from me! I don’t understand why there needs to be so much of the same crap on TV but as soon as something comes along exploring anything remotely deeper than a group of teenagers having sex or people trying to become pop-stars, then it is shut down. How dare anyone in the media industry try go against the same tired formular…?

Before The World Was Flat...

2010-02-06T05:24:00.001Z

This is going to be a really short one I'm afraid as I'm currently working and paused to share this with you all. I'm sat transcribing my tutorial (I recorded us talking about stuff - it was a damn good plan) so I can have all the notes written down to refer to and it got to a part where were were talking about the Greeks and geometry and how they used it to work out the world was a sphere. Turns out that story about Christopher Columbus discovering the world was round rather than flat was a lie! I feel cheated. Part of me kind of wonders what the point of school (as in high school) even was you know, they didn't teach us anything and when they did teach us things it was a lie and they totally had us believing Britain were the saviours of the planet or something big and British - with all the look at us and our spirit. Ok that's just in history classes that last bit I guess, but still. In fact, I feel a rant about secondary schools in Britain may be in order. Just not today. This is me making a note of it.

They saw the shadow of the Earth on the Moon during a lunar eclipse was round. And they used the stars rising and falling to work it out too.

Plato used geometry (which he had mass love for) to tell us the sun, moon and planets would all have a natural circular motion.
Ok so we know the sun doesn't orbit anything now, but still - be impressed!

They even worked out how big the Earth had to be.
And when eclipses and other cosmology related events would happen.

I started researching this so I could share with you how awesome the Ancient Greeks were, but I should instead be writing my essay. I am like a super procrastinator, yet it's all somehow disguised to look like it's still work.... well I'm reading about Plato, so it still counts... only, that's not really true now is it? Sorry this entry isn't really up there with the awesomeness that is [SuperPennie] but I just needed to share my findings with someone and there's no one to talk to at 5.40am about this and I was far too excited to just keep it to myself.

You know, it kind of upset me that I wasn't an Ancient Greek. But I guess, being a girl I wouldn't have been able to go to any of those schools of thought and studied with all the lads anyway. Pretty sure only rich men or little boys the rich men could look after got to go to school. But I don't actually know how true that statement is.

Some Days The World Is So Small

2010-02-04T05:07:00.000Z

Don’t you find it strange when two people you met in very different environments know each other? Even more so if they’re like best friends, right? This actually happens to me fairly often! I live in London, it’s not like there is a shortage of people or anything, yet somehow everyone I come across knows somebody else I already know.

I’ll give you an example. I was at a media course thing (I’ve spoken about it before) for a couple days however long ago. While I was there I met a lovely Russian girl and we got talking and she is the only person from the day I kept in contact with. There was also a boy who gave me his email address but he wrote it on a really small bit of paper and I unfortunately lost it by the time I got home… and he doesn’t have a Facebook. So he’s lost to the world now.

But I have kept the Russian and we’re actually friends now. Turns out I met her best friend like last March or something (maybe further back) in the club I used to work in with some other mates of mine. I know these people from separate worlds; writer world and clubber world – yet not only do they both go to ucl, they’re friends. Not even that they just know each other, but real friends. I find it hilarious. And they are both Russian, which probably almost explains how they both know each other to be fair, but still. I think it’s weird.

I used to have a pink Mohawk, back when I was 18/19 and working in the night club. Friends of mine would bump into lesbians all over the country and start talking about either London or me or Ghetto or whatever and they ALL would know me as ‘The pink haired girl from Ghetto’. How funny is that? National ‘fame’ for having awesome hair and working in a once awesome club.

Alas, it got less awesome and now it doesn’t even exist anymore. But I got one year of it’s awesomeness (I know that was a lot of 'awesome-ing' in a short amount of space - but heck it's the right word). Apparently it was even better in the years before I was old enough to play. Some days I miss that me, but most days I don’t. Being sociable is really exhausting. People wanting your attention all the time you don’t get any to yourself – and to be honest, I’d rather sit alone and watch a movie any day. This isn’t me blowing my own horn by the way, you just meet a lot of people as a student and working in a bar. I used to make a lot more effort to talk to people, but this year I don’t make much at all. My reason is study and that I now live on the outskirts of London which means it’s too much of a mission getting home if I go clubbing. I think if you over do something it loses it’s spark, and I definitely over did the social queen bit and the drinking bit. But you’re allowed to drink excessively as a fresher – you’re never going to be able to do that again if you get a grown up job when you graduate! Now days I pretty much don’t drink at all. People look at you funny if you say you don’t drink – what does that say about our society? It’s got to be more than it says about me, right?

When The Fun Goes South

2010-02-01T14:50:00.001Z

I realise that actually sounds a little sexual. That’s not what I was going for, but heck I’ll leave it that way –

I was thinking about how much I enjoy reading. How much time I spend reading. Whether it’s a blog, website, newspaper, novel, philosophy, script or poetry I enjoy every moment of it – until I have to do it. Until I have to do it and be tested on how well I understood it. Those moments I not only have to do it and be tested on it but I have to throw in my own input. Suddenly thinking and reading becomes the last things I want to do in the world. Suddenly I’d rather do nothing.

How does that make any sense? How can something I love so much one minute suddenly become a nightmare I’m trying to avoid? So I spend more time than I can afford telling myself I can’t do it or I don’t want to do it or not even thinking about it at all – until every so often I just suck it up and sit down to do it. Once I start it’s fine, it’s just getting myself to start that I have a lot of trouble with.

I think it’s ‘cause I’m scared of failing; of not being good enough. So I don’t want to try.

I don't want to think like this and I’m trying to push those thoughts away but it’s a bottom of my stomach kind of avoidance. The same sort of feeling I get if I have to tell someone something they don’t want to hear or ask to do something they might not want me doing.

Fear isn’t going to get me anywhere. Apart from left behind while the world speeds on by. It occurred to me that I’m actually scared of lots of little things. I’m not the sort of person that sees a mouse and screams or watches a horror movie and has nightmares, but I am the sort that see’s a microphone stand that’s too high and panics at the thought of having to be the person to fix it. The person that freaks out because she thinks she’s going to fail, but somehow can’t stop the freaking out and just get my head down to stop the failing. I’m getting better. I’m learning to organise my time better. But it's not like it's even enough.

It’s never been this hard before. School was a doddle, never had to work that hard; never had that much to do. For anyone that’s ever been part of the National Curriculum you know that they don’t want us thinking for ourselves or thinking outside of any boxes – school was just about memorising random crap to purge onto a page in an exam. Suddenly I’m learning, I’m thinking and I’m scared. Everyone around me (pretty much) went to private schools and read really fast and have been doing philosophy since they were little so they seem so much better at this than me (ok partial exaggeration going on but let it go). I chose philosophy on a whim. I was going to take law and realised it would be a nightmare and there was no way I could be a lawyer. I’m not emotionally strong enough to send people to prison, or to help murderers walk free.

I did some work experience with the CPS when I was 15 and went to a bunch of trials in the crown court and there was at least one occasion I started to cry. There was this black guy who was being done for assault and the police officers were giving their evidence. 10 white guys who were all reading notes from their little black note pads which they all sat down in the cafeteria and wrote together. Of course their stories are going to fit together, they can draft out what they’re going to say and compare notes. Of course this one man’s word isn’t going to be able to stand up to the word of 10 policemen. And I felt sorry for him, I could see in his eyes that they were screwing him over (maybe I’m just naïve).

But living off Old Kent Road in S.London for a year I saw the police take advantage of a fair few black boys from the council flats across the road, so I have little faith in their policing ability and think British Police are more like bullies.

Again I’ve gone off on a tangent. Now to suck it up and get this bloody essay out of the way.

SpeedPoem: We Are One

2010-01-30T20:41:00.002Z

Me and a Twitter Friend attempted a speed poem to the the same title - he got round to doing his a lot sooner than I did - but I'm a busy bee. You can check out his version of the poem here

So here is a quick 10 minute stab at poetry:

We Are One

We are. Collectively singular. One and the same.
In the only single category that's part of the game
Aims of understanding
Of knowledge out of grasp
Have us swiping at that nothing that's the same
As our parts.

You and I and
Me and the tree
Are the same. Are one. Framed by being
Seeing only in 2D
Blind to depth, to life, this reality
There's death tied in
Wound in. Breaking everything
That sings to bring
The end
About.

Short Stories

2010-01-30T07:50:00.008Z

I think I'm going to attempt it. I've never really written a short story before, I mean I have a couple of short stories, but they were poems that were far too long to work as poems so I just adjusted the structure a little.

A friend of mine writes lots of short stories and I think she's pretty amazing. You should go and check out some of her sheer awesomeness here. And I figure, 'heck, if she can do it, why can't I?' Not in a I'm-better-than-her-way, 'cause obviously that isn't true, but in more of a why-can't-I-do-anything kind of way.

I read an article on io9 about how the success as a short story writer is all about being prolific and it gave a bunch of tips on short story writing. So I'm going to give it a try. I'll come up with something and probably post the first draft of it up here for you all to enjoy and/or criticise at will. So stay posted.

Slight side note - do you find that when you learn a new word it is suddenly everywhere and you wonder how you ever missed it? Well this happens to me all the time. I am constantly learning new words that I'd either never come across before or just failed to pick up and as soon as I notice them, they are literally everywhere! They'll be in comments, articles, blog posts and even general everyday conversation. How on Earth did I go through life without knowing such a word if it is so prominent in my existence? A recent example of this is someone using the word 'prolific' in a comment about me and my poetry on YouTube, since then I have seen it crop up everywhere! After it's stint on the io9 article I talk about I felt like this needed a mention!